Episode #99

HC films in association with HC organisation presents
An HC production
HC Soap by Baklava
EPISODE #99
Fortressfano Reloaded

/Dark corners of the punishment institution for the bad mannered… Fortressfano is chained to a wall, rotting in disability to post/
Trogdorino: So why are you here?
Fortressfano: Trying to take over the community…
Trogdorino: Oh… That’s bad…
Fortressfano: Wait, I think I know you. You're Trodgerino, right?
Trogdorino: It's Trogdorino actually...
Some mystical voice: Hello Fortressfano
Fortressfano: What? Who’s that?! How do you know my name?
The Hacker: You can call me the Hacker. I’ve been around, hacking accounts.
Trogdorino: You’re the one who did… that to William?
The Hacker: Oh yes. But that was just the beginning. You see, I have grown in power in time. I read some manuals. I can free you from this place, if you agree to help me.
Trogdorino: Sure!
The Hacker: I wasn’t talking to you, Trodgerino.
Trogdorino: IT'S TROGDORINO!
Fortressfano: Help you? With what?
The Hacker: Taking over the place. You shall find that working for me has its benefits.
Trogdorino: What’s the use? Presidente Valeriyo will always be here to spoil your plans.
The Hacker: Oh don’t worry, Trodgerino. I’ve dealt with him… He won’t be disturbing us for some time.
Trogdorino: FOR CHRISSAKES PEOPLE IT'S TROGDORINO! DOES IT FREAKING HURT TO CALL ME TROGDORINO?!!!
Fortressfano (ignoring Trodgerino): How did you manage to defeat the almighty Presidente?
The Hacker (embarassed): Well… I didn’t actually defeat him… He’s more, like, on a holiday. But nevertheless, this is a great chance to take things over.
Fortressfano: True… Ok, let’s get to business then.
/Fortressfano’s status suddenly changes from bad mannered to responsible. The chains break and he gets out of the prison/
Trogdorino: Hey, guys, you forgot about me. Guys? Guys! Oh God damn it…

/The wedding ceremony... KD is married with Kookastarella and they get into a "just married" coach. It goes away. Everyone’s watching/
Angelito: Well I guess that’s over with.
Alcibiadez: I like happy endings…
Pandorella: Am I the only one noticing the episode just started?
/A moment of silence/
Vokialisso: So?
Pandorella: Well it can’t be over yet.
/Another moment of silence as everyone digests that fact/
Teddos: Let’s all get drunk!
/Everyone starts cheering loudly and going to the “Taberna de la salida del sol” bar to destroy their livers with vast quantities of various alcoholic drinks/

/Fortressfano takes out his cellphone. He browses his phonebook until he finds a number named “Vatican”. He dials it and waits. Finally the answering machine is activated/
Machine: Hello. This is the Roman Catholic customer service. If you have a confession to make, press one. If you wish to convert yourself to our Church, press two. If you would like to inform us of heresy, press three.
/Fortressfano presses three/
Machine: Please wait until an inquisitor is free to talk with.
/Cute music starts playing. After several seconds, an inquisitor answers the phone/
Doomos: This is inquisitor Doomos Forges. How can I help you?
Fortressfano: Uh… I would like to report heresy.
Doomos: Mhm. I just have to inform you, we can’t burn Jewish people. It’s too risky and their lobby is too tough.
Fortressfano: These heretics are not Jewish.
Doomos: We also can’t do Voodoo followers. They’re spooky and smell funny.
Fortressfano: No, no, they’re not Voodoo either.
Doomos: Well then you are doing the right thing, sir. Infidels must burn to realise the error of their ways. Uh, what’s your current location?
Fortressfano: RHCP.
Doomos: Red Hot Chilli Peppers?
Fortressfano: Republic of Heroes Community People.
Doomos: Ah. So what kind of heretics are we talking about? Satanists, Muslims, hippies…?
Fortressfano: Well… Actually they’re not heretics but I’ll make an adequate donation to the One Church if you can burn them.
Doomos (suspicious): How adequate?
Fortressfano: Half a million euros adequate.
Doomos (cheered up): I see. I’m on my way, sir.
Fortressfano: Thank you. (hangs up) Now to get the others…
***
/Bob Geny, a young rock musician, is practicing some chords on an acoustic guitar in his apartment. Suddenly he hears the doorbell/
Geny: I’ll be right there dude…
/Geny opens the door and sees Fortressfano outside/
Geny: Who the hell are you?
Fortressfano: A friend. I need you to work for me.
Geny: Whoa dude you got the wrong apartment…
Fortressfano: Perhaps this will draw your attention?
/Fortressfano pulls out a 2004 Gibson Explorer and hands it to Geny/
Geny (after a respectful pause): Sh*t… Is it original?
Fortressfano: Right from the US of A… And it’s waiting just for you.
Geny: So what do I have to do?
Fortressfano: To help me… I’m in need of henchmen right now and you have quite some potential.
***
/The laboratories of Lord George Enie (G. Enie. You get the point. It’s getting harder and harder to think up the names…), a British ex-noble who came to the RHCP to continue his insane research on human minds and to be able to buy larger quantities of coffee. Fortressfan enters the room while Enie is experimenting on some brains/
Fortressfano: What’s up George?
Lord G. Enie: Nothing. Having fun. Would you like some tea?
Fortressfano: Sure, why not…
Lord G. Enie (sipping a cup of tea to Fortressfano): Here you go.
Fortressfano (drinking tea): Hm… I don’t usually drink tea but this is actually good… A little strange though. I guess you made it from brains, ha ha.
/An uncomfortable pause. Enie is not laughing/
Fortressfano: Oh for Christ’s sake… Where’s the bathroom? Or, if you’d prefer that I throw up on the carpet…
Lord G. Enie: First door to the left. I can’t believe how weak stomach some people have…
Fortressfano goes to the bathroom. “Blargh” noises are heard. He goes out of the bathroom and sits back in the chair
Lord G. Enie: Would you like another cup?
Fortressfano: Are you aware of the decapitated moose laying in your bathroom tub?
Lord G. Enie: Yeah… I took his head and hanged it on the wall, but didn’t know what to do with the rest of it. I guess I could’ve buried it in the backyard but it’s more exotic this way… And keeps the cockroaches out.
Fortressfano (nodding): So, I’ve heard you made some progress in the mind-taking technique.
Lord G. Enie: Yeah… You can poke someone with this stick (gives Fortressfano a stick with an electrical thingy on one end of it) and he’ll become a mindless zombie, controlled by the one that poked him.
Fortressfano: Interesting… But physically impossible.
Lord G. Enie: Well then you wouldn’t mind if I poked you…
Fortressfano: NO! I mean, no, that isn’t necessary. I’ll trust you on this one. After all, you created S.P.A.M…
Lord G. Enie: Speaking of which, did it work?
Fortressfano: Nah, everyone stood on Dougalitto’s side.
Lord G. Enie: Tough luck… Well then, I guess you can use it freely now.
Fortressfano: What do you mean?
Lord G. Enie (walking to a cupboard and taking a strange weapon out of it): This is the SPAM-42 rifle. Rather painful. Uses 9mm SPAM bullets…
Fortresfano: Useful… I’ll take a dozen of those… I might just need them…
***
/Next scene, the “Taberna de la salida del sol”/
Vokialisso (to the bartender): Yeah, uhm, I’ll take a Bloody Mary… But keep the Mary, if you know what I mean…
Bartender: Wtf
Vokialisso (resigned): *sigh* Never mind. Look, guys, I’m going over to the Newcomers’ Inn to drain some noob blood, I’ll be right back.
De La Vlaada: Don’t accept candy from strangers…
Vokialisso: Dad how many times do I have to tell you I’m not five anymore!
De La Vlaada: One can never be too cautious…
Vokialisso: Whatever…
***
Fortressfano (to his minions, standing in front of the Newcomers’ Inn): Minions! The battle for our reign starts today! Prepare your sticks! I want every Tavern dweller... No matter the nick and occupation... To be transformed. And when that’s done, when they all join my mindless army… (Fortressfano turns to Doomos) …bring your torch out... I want the Inn to burn!
/The raid starts. Minions break into the Inn and start poking the noobs, turning them into zombies. Then they take out torches and burn the place. Vokialisso accidentally comes just in that moment, sees what’s happening and runs away/
***
/Vokialisso enters the “Taberna de la salida del sol“ quickly and starts yelling/
Vokialisso: He has risen!
Angelito: Who has risen?
Vokialisso: Fortressfano! He’s back!
Alcibiadez: It think you should take it easy with the alcohol next time.
Vokialisso: I’m serious! They burned the Inn down!
Pandorella: What?! But… What about the noobs?
Vokialisso: He poked them with sticks!
Angelito: Oh no, he poked them with sticks, whatever shall we do…
Vokialisso: special electrical sticks that turn people into zombies!
Angelito (to God): Why does there always have to be a catch?
De La Vlaada: I’ll go there and see what happened. You guys stay here.
***
/Burning ruins of the Inn. De La Vlaada checks the situation out under the effects of the Disguise spell/
Fortressfano: Since this is the place where all noobs come, I want a huge statue of the magnificent me in the middle of the ruins. I want all newcomers to know they must obey me, the one true overlord of this land.
Hacker’s voice: Oh are you, Fortressfano?
Fortressfano (shivering): Ok, the second greatest overlord of this land…
Hacker’s voice: That’s better. Never forget, I am always here. I am always EVERYWHERE.
Fortressfano: Yes master!
Hacker’s voice: Now, you’ll go for the FAQ. Once that document is destroyed, our enemies won’t know what to do, which will give us supreme strategic advantage. After that, wait for further orders…
***
/The Taberna again/
Count De La Vlaada: He has gained control of the Inn! He's going for the FAQ!
Angelito: We can’t get there in time… So we’ll need someone who can get there quickly and distract them until we arrive.
Pandorella: I think I know just the person…
***
/The FAQ tower. Fortressfano approaches the door/
Fortressfano: I’m glad this place isn’t guarded… This way I can take on the mod troops later. Zombies, break through the door.
/Suddenly a strange, thunder-like sound is heard. It was getting stronger and stronger, as if something was approaching wery swiftly. Fortressfano looks at the horizon/
Fortressfano: If that’s who I think it is…
/A customized Harley-Davidson can now be seen nicely. It’s heading at Fortressfano. Its rider suddenly draws out two submachine guns and starts decimating zombies. In a moment, the rider jumps out and stands on the ground, stopping with the shooting. He points his brown, shaved head at Fortressfano and looks at him/
Fortressfano: Mister MightyMage.
MightyMage: Mister Fortressfano.
Fortressfano: You know you cannot stop me.
MightyMage: Perhaps. But I can take out my guns and shoot the crap out of your zombies, which is almost as fun.
Fortressfano: If that’s how you want it… ZOMBIES, SPAM HIM!
/Zombies start attacking him with SPAM rifles (Yes, they do know how to use SPAM rifles. Yes. I know they are zombies. In Hellsing cartoon, zombies use submachine guns and no one said anything about it). He looks at them daringly and reloads his weapons/
TO BE CONTINUED…