Episode #100

A long time ago, in a community far, far away…
HC SOAP
(TARAM tam-tam tamtamTAMtamtamTAMtamtam tum-tamtam TAM-TARARAM…)
Episode #100

/MightyMage keeps decimating zombies./
Fortressfano: Running low on ammo, mister MightyMage?
MightyMage: Actually, no.
Fortressfano: Dang…
/Moderatorez army, marching across a plane/
Angelito: Hurry up back there! We need to get to the FAQ tower in time!
Alcibiadez: But I need to go to the bathroom…
Angelito (sighing): Why didn’t you do it before we started marching?
Alcibiadez: Well I didn’t have to go back then…
Angelito: Oh alright but hurry up.
/The FAQ tower. Bullets are flowing everywhere. Zombies somehow seem to be endless in numbers./
Fortressfano (sitting on a bench and eating popcorn): Out of ammo yet?
MightyMage: Nope.
/The Moderatorez, marching across a mountain/
Teddos: Wouldn’t it be cooler if we walked through the underground dwarven realms, you know, fighting goblins and stuff?
Baklavaldo: But that would make our way longer by at least 3 miles…
Teddos: Yeah, but it would be like 10 times more fun than walking across a mountain…
/The FAQ tower again…/
Fortressfano (playing cards with Geny): Ammo?
MightyMage: Still plenty…
Fortressfano: You’re going to die anyway. Why wouldn’t you stop wasting our time and just surrender?
Geny: Actually I bet someone’s gonna rescue him at the last moment.
Fortressfano (looking at Geny coldly): No way. Stuff like that happened a lot lately, it’s about time I win.
MightyMage: Actually, I think Geny’s right…
/The Moderatorez, now marching through abandoned dwarven mines, fighting goblins/
Teddos: Told you it’s way more fun this way.
Baklavaldo: Yeah…
De La Vlaada: How much, Angelito?
Angelito: 36. You?
De La Vlaada: 27… Bet you 50 bucks I can do at least 70 before we get out of here.
Angelito: 70 goblins? Dude, I can do at least 100.
Lith: Yeah, sure… At least a million…
Angelito: What?
Lith: Nothing.
Angelito: You just made fun of me!
Lith: No I didn’t.
/The FAQ tower yet again…/
MightyMage: Look, if you don’t believe me, check the script.
Fortressfano: Ok. I will. Geny, pass me the script please.
Geny: I think that’s not allowed…
Fortressfano: I said pass me the script.
Geny: Where is it, anyway?
MightyMage: Wait, I think I have it somewhere in my pockets… Just a sec… Porn… Wallet… Porn… Cellphone… Porn… Ah, here it is. (throws the script to Fortressfano) Ok, now where were I? Oh yes (shoots a zombie)
/Dwarven mines, somewhere further/
Angelito: Look, I heard you clearly say how I’m not capable of killing a 100 goblins.
Lith: I just said how it would take time, that’s all.
Angelito: But it wou-
Pandorella: What’s that?
Lith: What’s what?
Pandorella: That red light that scared off the goblins coming from an end of the corridor…
Baklavaldo: Oh that’s just a Balrog.
Everyone: A Balrog?!
Baklavaldo: Is there a problem with the Balrog?
Angelito: No, no problems at all. Except it’s a freaking Balrog!
Baklavaldo: Well perhaps I’m mistaken.
Pandorella: So what could it be then?
Baklavaldo: Two Balrogs.
/The FAQ tower… Last time, I promise…/
Fortressfano (reading): “…runs out of ammo…” (turns the page) “…the Moderatorez arrive at the final moment…” Oh God damn it! Ok, we’re packing up and going for the CoC. We can conquer it by surprise.
MightyMage: What? But you can’t do that.
Fortressfano: Watch me. I’m leaving you some zombies to keep you occupied…
MightyMage: I guess it’s not necessary to tell you you’ll never succeed…
Fortressfano: Indeed. Because this time, I will!
/Fortressfano leaves with Geny, Doomos and a bunch of zombies/
/The exit bridge of the dwarven mines/
Angelito: Go! I’ll try to stop the Balrogs.
Vokialisso: But…
Angelito: Go!
/The Balrogs approach Angelito and start looking at him./
Angelito: YOOUUU SHAALLL NOTTT PAAASSSSS!
/The Balrogs keep looking at Angelito/
Angelito: YYOOOUUUUU SHAALLLL NNOOTTT PPPAAAASSSSS!
/The Balrogs stare on. One of them blinks./
First Balrog: Ha! Ok, now I can eat him.
Second Balrog: What?
First Balrog: You blinked. The deal was, the one who blinks the last gets to eat the human.
Second Balrog: Bullsh*t, Frank, I didn’t blink.
First Balrog: *sigh* Ok, let’s ask the human. Human, is it right that he (points at the other Balrog) blinked?
Angelito: Uhm… Well I’m not sure…
Second Balrog: Told you so!
First Balrog: He didn’t say you didn’t blink, Jim, he said he’s not sure. That’s not the same.
A creepy voice from inside the cave: Lunch time boys!
Second Balrog: But mom we’re in the middle of something here…
Creepy voice: You can discuss that at the table, boys. Now come on before the lunch gets cold. I made your favourite…
Both Balrogs: Macaroni and cheese?
Creepy voice: Macaroni and cheese.
/The Balrogs run into the inside of the cave, leaving Angelito alone at the bridge/
Angelito: Well wasn’t that enlightening…
/The Moderatorez arrive at the FAQ tower. They quickly exterminate the zombies around MightyMage./
Pandorella: Well, it seems we arrived just in time.
MightyMage: Actually (glances at his watch) you’re 2 hours and 17 minutes late.
Pandorella: What? That’s not in the script.
MightyMage: Yes I know. He did things that are not in the script. Take a look (hands the script to Pandorella)
Pandorella: Oh my God, look! The text is rewriting as we speak!
Alcibiadez: But that’s not possible.
Angelito: Well Balrogs aren’t possible either.
Alcibiadez: True…
The hacker’s voice: Puny mortals… The CoC shall soon be under siege… You can do nothing to stop that. I have the power to change the script! I have the power to change the world! I am GOD!!!
De La Vlaada: Well why don’t you just change the world now?
The hacker’s voice: (pause) Well it seems there are some viruses in my computer… My antivirus instalation is at my pal’s house and I’m just too lazy to go get it… But I’m still pretty powerful!
Angelito: Ok… Look, people, there’s got to be something we can do.
Pandorella: Like what?
A person: Perhaps I can help you…
/The army of Fortressfano, in front of the CoC castle/
Fortressfano: Halt! We are now very close to our final goal… Once we get the Code of Conduct, we can do whatever we want with the community… But first we must take the castle guarding it. Geny! Report.
Geny: Well it says here how the castle guardian is currently Sir Consis the Noble.
Fortressfano: Oh no…
Doomos: What’s the problem?
Fortressfano: Well, by the current CoC, we have to listen what he has to say before we go past him…
The gates open, and through them goes Sir Consis the Noble. He stands in front of Fortressfano and his army of zombies.
Sir Consis the Noble: Tremble, ye forces of darkness, for you are now facing Sir Consis the Noble, the noblest noble of all the nobles! Step away from this place, or thou shalt be banished back into thy pits of hell!
Fortressfano: This is going to be excruciating…
/Back at the Moderatorez army/
/The mass divides to show Xavier Iminez, an experimental scientist (one must wonder how come there is so many experimental scientists in a banana republic, but never mind)/
X. Iminez: I have lately been working on a special machine, the Lifetrix.
Teddos: Yes? What’s its purpose?
X. Iminez: Well it’s still in beta phase, but I belive it can transport people to the… real world.
/The crowd stares in awe… It even lets go one of those “aaaaaah” sounds/
Baklavaldo: So we basically need someone to go to the… real world and beat the hacker.
X. Iminez: That’s the basic idea, yes.
De la Vlaada: But who?
Teddos: I will do it… I didn’t do much lately anyway.
X. Iminez: True. Ok, follow me. I suggest that others go and help Sir Consis the Brave keep the CoC castle.
Vokialisso: Wait, we need to go all the way back?!
Angelito: Yup… Alright, people, pack up. But this time we’re going across the mountain. There are no Balrogs in the mountains, right?
Baklavaldo: None that I know of.
Angelito: Good.
***
Sir Consis the Noble: …Get back, or be devoured by the shadows of oblivion! Never shall you lay your dark hands on this lightful place!...
Fortressfano: Someone please shoot me…
***
/X. Iminez’s laboratory./
X. Iminez: Alright, now sit on this funny looking chair here, please.
/Teddos sits on the funny looking chair…/
X. Iminez: Take these pills.
/Teddos takes the pills…/
X. Iminez: Say wacka-wacka-jumbo-chiwamba.
/Teddos says wacka-wacka-jumbo-chiwamba/
Teddos: Was that really necessary?
X. Iminez: No but it made me feel better… Ok, now Spectros, pull that lever…
/Spectros, X. Iminez’s helper, pulls the lever. Bziu-bziu sounds are heard and Teddos disappears/
Spectros: Instruments show that Teddos is now off-line.
X. Iminez: Yes! It worked!
***
Sir Consis the Noble: …And if you still decide to go past me and try to take the treasures that await beyond me by force, thou shalt meet a horryfying defeat and your vile plans shalt be ended forever!
Fortressfano: Alright, CHAR-
Sir Consis the Noble: For I shall give my best to stop the barbaric hordes of the…
Fortressfano: God damn it…
***
/Mountains…/
Vokialisso: Isn’t it nice to just walk without fighting goblins, for a change…
De la Vlaada: Yeah, this is like some sort of a vacation… Wait, why is the ground trembling?
Baklavaldo: Because of the behemoths, of course.
Angelito: No. No. This isn’t happening.
/A huge behemoth gets out of the ground and stands in front of Angelito/
Angelito: Ok… YYOOOUUU SHAALLL NNNOTTTT PPAAA-
/Lith takes out a bazooka and blows out the behemoth/
Lith: It’s easier this way.
Baklavaldo: Well done. Only 15 left.
Alcibiadez: Wait, I’ve got a plan.
Pandorella: Yes?
Alcibiadez: RUN!
***
/A dark, tight room. Some electroshocks happen around and Teddos appears. He glances around. The room contains a bed, a computer, some posters, and a geek./
Teddos: Uhm… Excuse me, are you the hacker?
The hacker (turning around): How did you get in here?
Teddos: Are you or are you not the hacker?
The hacker: Well, technically…
***
Sir Consis the Noble: …which further implies that any attempts of crushing the liberty of our wonderful country will result in the imprisonment and perhaps even death of you and your horrible helpers…
Fortressfano (covering his ears with his hands): I’m not listening… I’m not listening… Lalalalala… Not listening… Lalala…
Doomos: Wait, what’s that?
/The Moderatorez army appears at the horizon. Battered and tired, but it’s still there/
Fortressfano: No! I won’t fail again! Hacker, destroy them! (pause) Hacker? Hacker?!
/Teddos gets out of the Moderatorez army, holding the chained hacker./
Teddos: We’ve put the hacker in our custody. As you can see, he is now a prisoner of the Republic of Heroes Community people. Ha.
Fortressfano: Very well… You leave me with no choice…
/Fortressfano grabs Sir Consis the Noble, takes out a knife and puts it below Consis’s throat/
Fortressfano: If anyone gets one step closer, Sir Consis the Noble gets it… I want a helicopter and 50 QPs, NOW!
Angelito: Fortressfano, be reasonable. Relax. You’ll get your QPs and your helicopter.
Fortressfano: And some chocolate!
Angelito: And some chocolate. Of course.
/Geny is standing next to Fortressfano. Suddenly, he hears something… A tune. A very familiar tune. “All along the watchtower”. He glances at the sky…/
Geny: What… Oh my God… Jimmy Hendrix… Elvis… Janis Joplin… Kurt Cobain… They are all there…
Jimmy Hendrix: Geny… What are you doing? Look at you… Is that the point of rock? Rock isn’t about how good guitar you have… It’s about how good heart you have… It’s about the idea of making people feel better… It’s about music, and peace, and weed.
Geny: Jimmy… I was blind… But now I see! Thank you Jimmy. Thank you…
/Geny hits Fortressfano in the face, takes the knife and throws it aside, jumps at Fortressfano, strikes him in the stomach and kicks him in the groins… That’s where it ends, since this IS a show for people under 18, and I don’t want to get too brutal./
Jimmy Hendrix: Well that was tough… I’m proud of you, Geny. Goodbye (then he disappears)
Geny: Moderatorez… Could you ever forgive me?
Angelito: Of course… We’re all a big family after all. Now we just need to wait for the Presidente to come back from his vacation and decide what to do with this hacker and Fortressfano.
Doomos: I see things went wrong… It would be best if I teleported back to Vatican. (takes out a teleportation remote, presses the red button and disappears).
Unhackablito (coming out of nowhere): Wel helo gyus! Hwo aer you?
Vokialisso: KD! You’re back!
Unhackablito: No I ma nto KD. I am his yugner brohtre Unhakcalbito!
Vokialisso: KD, I can see you behind that fake moustache.
Unhackablito: I ma nto KD! I am Uhnakalbito!
Vokialisso: Ok… ok… Well, welcome to HC.
Unhackablito: Tanhk yuo! Hvae yuo seen teh nwe vesrion of th stelement?
Fortressfano: God damn you KD! God damn you and your Settlement! I will get my revenge one day, mark my words! I WILL GET MY REVENGE!
Angelito: Nah, I think you’ll get banned.
Fortressfano: Aw…
THE END OF SEASON 1