Some supermodel: So tell us, Baklava, where did you find inspiration for the HC soap you wrote?
Baklava: Well it's sort of hard to say. I mostly gathered it from around Heroes Community, movies, stuff around us, but some are just coming directly from my slightly demented brain.
Supermodel: Mhm... Is there any one person who you might thank the most for the inspiration?
Baklava: Yes, of course there is. There are many persons actually, but I guess I am mostly grateful to KnightDougal. I have also gained a lot of ideas looking at Fortress_Fan, since he's totally different than anyone else around us. Like he's been living in a cave for the last 40 years feeding only on American propaganda and Harry Potter novels. No offence.
Supermodel: Who is your favourite secondary character in the series?
Baklava: I don't know actually. Perhaps Doomos Forges, since I made him as an incarnation of everything bad about organised religion, especially catholicism. But it's a close call between him and Sir Consis the Noble, who had a short but great part. I hope Consis sees that; he gets like really pissed whenever I call him a noble... He-he...
Supermodel: What do you think of the mods? I've noticed you didn't like them in the beginning of your browsing HC, and now you made them the main "good guys" in the soap.
Baklava: When I was against them it was just a part of my global struggle against the authorities... No, I don't know why I struggle with the authorities. I'm a 15 year old anarchist, I guess that explains something. Later on, I've noticed that mods aren't bad at all, especially since they have to deal with people like Fortress_Fan every day...
Supermodel: What about the second season? Are you planning to make it?
Baklava: I don't know. Depends on the sudden idea-attacks and stuff like that. Ideas mostly come to me while I'm under a shower or something like that, and I forget them when I come out and try to type them...
Supermodel: I see... Well, we could go on and on about this, but we have to bring this to an end eventually.
Baklava: SCOTLAND RULES! WEED FOR EVERYONE! WOOOOO!!!!111
Supermodel: Uhm... We're not finished yet...
Baklava: Oh.
Supermodel: I just wanted to ask you, why are you such a freaking egoist that you interview yourself and make up supermodels to help you in that?
Baklava: Well why not?
Supermodel: Indeed. Finally, what do you have to say to the youth of today?
Baklava: Well, basically, to have their own opinion on things. Not to allow themselves to get influenced by propaganda or their environment. To respect nature since mankind has been raping it long enough and it's starting to show. Oh yes, and to eat their greens and drink a lot of milk, so that they grow up to be strong and awesome just like me.
Supermodel: Alright, it has been nice talking to you. Goodbye.
Baklava: Nice talking to you too. See ya.
More bonus material coming soon...
Monday, March 12, 2007
Episode #100
A long time ago, in a community far, far away…
HC SOAP
(TARAM tam-tam tamtamTAMtamtamTAMtamtam tum-tamtam TAM-TARARAM…)
Episode #100
/MightyMage keeps decimating zombies./
Fortressfano: Running low on ammo, mister MightyMage?
MightyMage: Actually, no.
Fortressfano: Dang…
/Moderatorez army, marching across a plane/
Angelito: Hurry up back there! We need to get to the FAQ tower in time!
Alcibiadez: But I need to go to the bathroom…
Angelito (sighing): Why didn’t you do it before we started marching?
Alcibiadez: Well I didn’t have to go back then…
Angelito: Oh alright but hurry up.
/The FAQ tower. Bullets are flowing everywhere. Zombies somehow seem to be endless in numbers./
Fortressfano (sitting on a bench and eating popcorn): Out of ammo yet?
MightyMage: Nope.
/The Moderatorez, marching across a mountain/
Teddos: Wouldn’t it be cooler if we walked through the underground dwarven realms, you know, fighting goblins and stuff?
Baklavaldo: But that would make our way longer by at least 3 miles…
Teddos: Yeah, but it would be like 10 times more fun than walking across a mountain…
/The FAQ tower again…/
Fortressfano (playing cards with Geny): Ammo?
MightyMage: Still plenty…
Fortressfano: You’re going to die anyway. Why wouldn’t you stop wasting our time and just surrender?
Geny: Actually I bet someone’s gonna rescue him at the last moment.
Fortressfano (looking at Geny coldly): No way. Stuff like that happened a lot lately, it’s about time I win.
MightyMage: Actually, I think Geny’s right…
/The Moderatorez, now marching through abandoned dwarven mines, fighting goblins/
Teddos: Told you it’s way more fun this way.
Baklavaldo: Yeah…
De La Vlaada: How much, Angelito?
Angelito: 36. You?
De La Vlaada: 27… Bet you 50 bucks I can do at least 70 before we get out of here.
Angelito: 70 goblins? Dude, I can do at least 100.
Lith: Yeah, sure… At least a million…
Angelito: What?
Lith: Nothing.
Angelito: You just made fun of me!
Lith: No I didn’t.
/The FAQ tower yet again…/
MightyMage: Look, if you don’t believe me, check the script.
Fortressfano: Ok. I will. Geny, pass me the script please.
Geny: I think that’s not allowed…
Fortressfano: I said pass me the script.
Geny: Where is it, anyway?
MightyMage: Wait, I think I have it somewhere in my pockets… Just a sec… Porn… Wallet… Porn… Cellphone… Porn… Ah, here it is. (throws the script to Fortressfano) Ok, now where were I? Oh yes (shoots a zombie)
/Dwarven mines, somewhere further/
Angelito: Look, I heard you clearly say how I’m not capable of killing a 100 goblins.
Lith: I just said how it would take time, that’s all.
Angelito: But it wou-
Pandorella: What’s that?
Lith: What’s what?
Pandorella: That red light that scared off the goblins coming from an end of the corridor…
Baklavaldo: Oh that’s just a Balrog.
Everyone: A Balrog?!
Baklavaldo: Is there a problem with the Balrog?
Angelito: No, no problems at all. Except it’s a freaking Balrog!
Baklavaldo: Well perhaps I’m mistaken.
Pandorella: So what could it be then?
Baklavaldo: Two Balrogs.
/The FAQ tower… Last time, I promise…/
Fortressfano (reading): “…runs out of ammo…” (turns the page) “…the Moderatorez arrive at the final moment…” Oh God damn it! Ok, we’re packing up and going for the CoC. We can conquer it by surprise.
MightyMage: What? But you can’t do that.
Fortressfano: Watch me. I’m leaving you some zombies to keep you occupied…
MightyMage: I guess it’s not necessary to tell you you’ll never succeed…
Fortressfano: Indeed. Because this time, I will!
/Fortressfano leaves with Geny, Doomos and a bunch of zombies/
/The exit bridge of the dwarven mines/
Angelito: Go! I’ll try to stop the Balrogs.
Vokialisso: But…
Angelito: Go!
/The Balrogs approach Angelito and start looking at him./
Angelito: YOOUUU SHAALLL NOTTT PAAASSSSS!
/The Balrogs keep looking at Angelito/
Angelito: YYOOOUUUUU SHAALLLL NNOOTTT PPPAAAASSSSS!
/The Balrogs stare on. One of them blinks./
First Balrog: Ha! Ok, now I can eat him.
Second Balrog: What?
First Balrog: You blinked. The deal was, the one who blinks the last gets to eat the human.
Second Balrog: Bullsh*t, Frank, I didn’t blink.
First Balrog: *sigh* Ok, let’s ask the human. Human, is it right that he (points at the other Balrog) blinked?
Angelito: Uhm… Well I’m not sure…
Second Balrog: Told you so!
First Balrog: He didn’t say you didn’t blink, Jim, he said he’s not sure. That’s not the same.
A creepy voice from inside the cave: Lunch time boys!
Second Balrog: But mom we’re in the middle of something here…
Creepy voice: You can discuss that at the table, boys. Now come on before the lunch gets cold. I made your favourite…
Both Balrogs: Macaroni and cheese?
Creepy voice: Macaroni and cheese.
/The Balrogs run into the inside of the cave, leaving Angelito alone at the bridge/
Angelito: Well wasn’t that enlightening…
/The Moderatorez arrive at the FAQ tower. They quickly exterminate the zombies around MightyMage./
Pandorella: Well, it seems we arrived just in time.
MightyMage: Actually (glances at his watch) you’re 2 hours and 17 minutes late.
Pandorella: What? That’s not in the script.
MightyMage: Yes I know. He did things that are not in the script. Take a look (hands the script to Pandorella)
Pandorella: Oh my God, look! The text is rewriting as we speak!
Alcibiadez: But that’s not possible.
Angelito: Well Balrogs aren’t possible either.
Alcibiadez: True…
The hacker’s voice: Puny mortals… The CoC shall soon be under siege… You can do nothing to stop that. I have the power to change the script! I have the power to change the world! I am GOD!!!
De La Vlaada: Well why don’t you just change the world now?
The hacker’s voice: (pause) Well it seems there are some viruses in my computer… My antivirus instalation is at my pal’s house and I’m just too lazy to go get it… But I’m still pretty powerful!
Angelito: Ok… Look, people, there’s got to be something we can do.
Pandorella: Like what?
A person: Perhaps I can help you…
/The army of Fortressfano, in front of the CoC castle/
Fortressfano: Halt! We are now very close to our final goal… Once we get the Code of Conduct, we can do whatever we want with the community… But first we must take the castle guarding it. Geny! Report.
Geny: Well it says here how the castle guardian is currently Sir Consis the Noble.
Fortressfano: Oh no…
Doomos: What’s the problem?
Fortressfano: Well, by the current CoC, we have to listen what he has to say before we go past him…
The gates open, and through them goes Sir Consis the Noble. He stands in front of Fortressfano and his army of zombies.
Sir Consis the Noble: Tremble, ye forces of darkness, for you are now facing Sir Consis the Noble, the noblest noble of all the nobles! Step away from this place, or thou shalt be banished back into thy pits of hell!
Fortressfano: This is going to be excruciating…
/Back at the Moderatorez army/
/The mass divides to show Xavier Iminez, an experimental scientist (one must wonder how come there is so many experimental scientists in a banana republic, but never mind)/
X. Iminez: I have lately been working on a special machine, the Lifetrix.
Teddos: Yes? What’s its purpose?
X. Iminez: Well it’s still in beta phase, but I belive it can transport people to the… real world.
/The crowd stares in awe… It even lets go one of those “aaaaaah” sounds/
Baklavaldo: So we basically need someone to go to the… real world and beat the hacker.
X. Iminez: That’s the basic idea, yes.
De la Vlaada: But who?
Teddos: I will do it… I didn’t do much lately anyway.
X. Iminez: True. Ok, follow me. I suggest that others go and help Sir Consis the Brave keep the CoC castle.
Vokialisso: Wait, we need to go all the way back?!
Angelito: Yup… Alright, people, pack up. But this time we’re going across the mountain. There are no Balrogs in the mountains, right?
Baklavaldo: None that I know of.
Angelito: Good.
***
Sir Consis the Noble: …Get back, or be devoured by the shadows of oblivion! Never shall you lay your dark hands on this lightful place!...
Fortressfano: Someone please shoot me…
***
/X. Iminez’s laboratory./
X. Iminez: Alright, now sit on this funny looking chair here, please.
/Teddos sits on the funny looking chair…/
X. Iminez: Take these pills.
/Teddos takes the pills…/
X. Iminez: Say wacka-wacka-jumbo-chiwamba.
/Teddos says wacka-wacka-jumbo-chiwamba/
Teddos: Was that really necessary?
X. Iminez: No but it made me feel better… Ok, now Spectros, pull that lever…
/Spectros, X. Iminez’s helper, pulls the lever. Bziu-bziu sounds are heard and Teddos disappears/
Spectros: Instruments show that Teddos is now off-line.
X. Iminez: Yes! It worked!
***
Sir Consis the Noble: …And if you still decide to go past me and try to take the treasures that await beyond me by force, thou shalt meet a horryfying defeat and your vile plans shalt be ended forever!
Fortressfano: Alright, CHAR-
Sir Consis the Noble: For I shall give my best to stop the barbaric hordes of the…
Fortressfano: God damn it…
***
/Mountains…/
Vokialisso: Isn’t it nice to just walk without fighting goblins, for a change…
De la Vlaada: Yeah, this is like some sort of a vacation… Wait, why is the ground trembling?
Baklavaldo: Because of the behemoths, of course.
Angelito: No. No. This isn’t happening.
/A huge behemoth gets out of the ground and stands in front of Angelito/
Angelito: Ok… YYOOOUUU SHAALLL NNNOTTTT PPAAA-
/Lith takes out a bazooka and blows out the behemoth/
Lith: It’s easier this way.
Baklavaldo: Well done. Only 15 left.
Alcibiadez: Wait, I’ve got a plan.
Pandorella: Yes?
Alcibiadez: RUN!
***
/A dark, tight room. Some electroshocks happen around and Teddos appears. He glances around. The room contains a bed, a computer, some posters, and a geek./
Teddos: Uhm… Excuse me, are you the hacker?
The hacker (turning around): How did you get in here?
Teddos: Are you or are you not the hacker?
The hacker: Well, technically…
***
Sir Consis the Noble: …which further implies that any attempts of crushing the liberty of our wonderful country will result in the imprisonment and perhaps even death of you and your horrible helpers…
Fortressfano (covering his ears with his hands): I’m not listening… I’m not listening… Lalalalala… Not listening… Lalala…
Doomos: Wait, what’s that?
/The Moderatorez army appears at the horizon. Battered and tired, but it’s still there/
Fortressfano: No! I won’t fail again! Hacker, destroy them! (pause) Hacker? Hacker?!
/Teddos gets out of the Moderatorez army, holding the chained hacker./
Teddos: We’ve put the hacker in our custody. As you can see, he is now a prisoner of the Republic of Heroes Community people. Ha.
Fortressfano: Very well… You leave me with no choice…
/Fortressfano grabs Sir Consis the Noble, takes out a knife and puts it below Consis’s throat/
Fortressfano: If anyone gets one step closer, Sir Consis the Noble gets it… I want a helicopter and 50 QPs, NOW!
Angelito: Fortressfano, be reasonable. Relax. You’ll get your QPs and your helicopter.
Fortressfano: And some chocolate!
Angelito: And some chocolate. Of course.
/Geny is standing next to Fortressfano. Suddenly, he hears something… A tune. A very familiar tune. “All along the watchtower”. He glances at the sky…/
Geny: What… Oh my God… Jimmy Hendrix… Elvis… Janis Joplin… Kurt Cobain… They are all there…
Jimmy Hendrix: Geny… What are you doing? Look at you… Is that the point of rock? Rock isn’t about how good guitar you have… It’s about how good heart you have… It’s about the idea of making people feel better… It’s about music, and peace, and weed.
Geny: Jimmy… I was blind… But now I see! Thank you Jimmy. Thank you…
/Geny hits Fortressfano in the face, takes the knife and throws it aside, jumps at Fortressfano, strikes him in the stomach and kicks him in the groins… That’s where it ends, since this IS a show for people under 18, and I don’t want to get too brutal./
Jimmy Hendrix: Well that was tough… I’m proud of you, Geny. Goodbye (then he disappears)
Geny: Moderatorez… Could you ever forgive me?
Angelito: Of course… We’re all a big family after all. Now we just need to wait for the Presidente to come back from his vacation and decide what to do with this hacker and Fortressfano.
Doomos: I see things went wrong… It would be best if I teleported back to Vatican. (takes out a teleportation remote, presses the red button and disappears).
Unhackablito (coming out of nowhere): Wel helo gyus! Hwo aer you?
Vokialisso: KD! You’re back!
Unhackablito: No I ma nto KD. I am his yugner brohtre Unhakcalbito!
Vokialisso: KD, I can see you behind that fake moustache.
Unhackablito: I ma nto KD! I am Uhnakalbito!
Vokialisso: Ok… ok… Well, welcome to HC.
Unhackablito: Tanhk yuo! Hvae yuo seen teh nwe vesrion of th stelement?
Fortressfano: God damn you KD! God damn you and your Settlement! I will get my revenge one day, mark my words! I WILL GET MY REVENGE!
Angelito: Nah, I think you’ll get banned.
Fortressfano: Aw…
THE END OF SEASON 1
HC SOAP
(TARAM tam-tam tamtamTAMtamtamTAMtamtam tum-tamtam TAM-TARARAM…)
Episode #100
/MightyMage keeps decimating zombies./
Fortressfano: Running low on ammo, mister MightyMage?
MightyMage: Actually, no.
Fortressfano: Dang…
/Moderatorez army, marching across a plane/
Angelito: Hurry up back there! We need to get to the FAQ tower in time!
Alcibiadez: But I need to go to the bathroom…
Angelito (sighing): Why didn’t you do it before we started marching?
Alcibiadez: Well I didn’t have to go back then…
Angelito: Oh alright but hurry up.
/The FAQ tower. Bullets are flowing everywhere. Zombies somehow seem to be endless in numbers./
Fortressfano (sitting on a bench and eating popcorn): Out of ammo yet?
MightyMage: Nope.
/The Moderatorez, marching across a mountain/
Teddos: Wouldn’t it be cooler if we walked through the underground dwarven realms, you know, fighting goblins and stuff?
Baklavaldo: But that would make our way longer by at least 3 miles…
Teddos: Yeah, but it would be like 10 times more fun than walking across a mountain…
/The FAQ tower again…/
Fortressfano (playing cards with Geny): Ammo?
MightyMage: Still plenty…
Fortressfano: You’re going to die anyway. Why wouldn’t you stop wasting our time and just surrender?
Geny: Actually I bet someone’s gonna rescue him at the last moment.
Fortressfano (looking at Geny coldly): No way. Stuff like that happened a lot lately, it’s about time I win.
MightyMage: Actually, I think Geny’s right…
/The Moderatorez, now marching through abandoned dwarven mines, fighting goblins/
Teddos: Told you it’s way more fun this way.
Baklavaldo: Yeah…
De La Vlaada: How much, Angelito?
Angelito: 36. You?
De La Vlaada: 27… Bet you 50 bucks I can do at least 70 before we get out of here.
Angelito: 70 goblins? Dude, I can do at least 100.
Lith: Yeah, sure… At least a million…
Angelito: What?
Lith: Nothing.
Angelito: You just made fun of me!
Lith: No I didn’t.
/The FAQ tower yet again…/
MightyMage: Look, if you don’t believe me, check the script.
Fortressfano: Ok. I will. Geny, pass me the script please.
Geny: I think that’s not allowed…
Fortressfano: I said pass me the script.
Geny: Where is it, anyway?
MightyMage: Wait, I think I have it somewhere in my pockets… Just a sec… Porn… Wallet… Porn… Cellphone… Porn… Ah, here it is. (throws the script to Fortressfano) Ok, now where were I? Oh yes (shoots a zombie)
/Dwarven mines, somewhere further/
Angelito: Look, I heard you clearly say how I’m not capable of killing a 100 goblins.
Lith: I just said how it would take time, that’s all.
Angelito: But it wou-
Pandorella: What’s that?
Lith: What’s what?
Pandorella: That red light that scared off the goblins coming from an end of the corridor…
Baklavaldo: Oh that’s just a Balrog.
Everyone: A Balrog?!
Baklavaldo: Is there a problem with the Balrog?
Angelito: No, no problems at all. Except it’s a freaking Balrog!
Baklavaldo: Well perhaps I’m mistaken.
Pandorella: So what could it be then?
Baklavaldo: Two Balrogs.
/The FAQ tower… Last time, I promise…/
Fortressfano (reading): “…runs out of ammo…” (turns the page) “…the Moderatorez arrive at the final moment…” Oh God damn it! Ok, we’re packing up and going for the CoC. We can conquer it by surprise.
MightyMage: What? But you can’t do that.
Fortressfano: Watch me. I’m leaving you some zombies to keep you occupied…
MightyMage: I guess it’s not necessary to tell you you’ll never succeed…
Fortressfano: Indeed. Because this time, I will!
/Fortressfano leaves with Geny, Doomos and a bunch of zombies/
/The exit bridge of the dwarven mines/
Angelito: Go! I’ll try to stop the Balrogs.
Vokialisso: But…
Angelito: Go!
/The Balrogs approach Angelito and start looking at him./
Angelito: YOOUUU SHAALLL NOTTT PAAASSSSS!
/The Balrogs keep looking at Angelito/
Angelito: YYOOOUUUUU SHAALLLL NNOOTTT PPPAAAASSSSS!
/The Balrogs stare on. One of them blinks./
First Balrog: Ha! Ok, now I can eat him.
Second Balrog: What?
First Balrog: You blinked. The deal was, the one who blinks the last gets to eat the human.
Second Balrog: Bullsh*t, Frank, I didn’t blink.
First Balrog: *sigh* Ok, let’s ask the human. Human, is it right that he (points at the other Balrog) blinked?
Angelito: Uhm… Well I’m not sure…
Second Balrog: Told you so!
First Balrog: He didn’t say you didn’t blink, Jim, he said he’s not sure. That’s not the same.
A creepy voice from inside the cave: Lunch time boys!
Second Balrog: But mom we’re in the middle of something here…
Creepy voice: You can discuss that at the table, boys. Now come on before the lunch gets cold. I made your favourite…
Both Balrogs: Macaroni and cheese?
Creepy voice: Macaroni and cheese.
/The Balrogs run into the inside of the cave, leaving Angelito alone at the bridge/
Angelito: Well wasn’t that enlightening…
/The Moderatorez arrive at the FAQ tower. They quickly exterminate the zombies around MightyMage./
Pandorella: Well, it seems we arrived just in time.
MightyMage: Actually (glances at his watch) you’re 2 hours and 17 minutes late.
Pandorella: What? That’s not in the script.
MightyMage: Yes I know. He did things that are not in the script. Take a look (hands the script to Pandorella)
Pandorella: Oh my God, look! The text is rewriting as we speak!
Alcibiadez: But that’s not possible.
Angelito: Well Balrogs aren’t possible either.
Alcibiadez: True…
The hacker’s voice: Puny mortals… The CoC shall soon be under siege… You can do nothing to stop that. I have the power to change the script! I have the power to change the world! I am GOD!!!
De La Vlaada: Well why don’t you just change the world now?
The hacker’s voice: (pause) Well it seems there are some viruses in my computer… My antivirus instalation is at my pal’s house and I’m just too lazy to go get it… But I’m still pretty powerful!
Angelito: Ok… Look, people, there’s got to be something we can do.
Pandorella: Like what?
A person: Perhaps I can help you…
/The army of Fortressfano, in front of the CoC castle/
Fortressfano: Halt! We are now very close to our final goal… Once we get the Code of Conduct, we can do whatever we want with the community… But first we must take the castle guarding it. Geny! Report.
Geny: Well it says here how the castle guardian is currently Sir Consis the Noble.
Fortressfano: Oh no…
Doomos: What’s the problem?
Fortressfano: Well, by the current CoC, we have to listen what he has to say before we go past him…
The gates open, and through them goes Sir Consis the Noble. He stands in front of Fortressfano and his army of zombies.
Sir Consis the Noble: Tremble, ye forces of darkness, for you are now facing Sir Consis the Noble, the noblest noble of all the nobles! Step away from this place, or thou shalt be banished back into thy pits of hell!
Fortressfano: This is going to be excruciating…
/Back at the Moderatorez army/
/The mass divides to show Xavier Iminez, an experimental scientist (one must wonder how come there is so many experimental scientists in a banana republic, but never mind)/
X. Iminez: I have lately been working on a special machine, the Lifetrix.
Teddos: Yes? What’s its purpose?
X. Iminez: Well it’s still in beta phase, but I belive it can transport people to the… real world.
/The crowd stares in awe… It even lets go one of those “aaaaaah” sounds/
Baklavaldo: So we basically need someone to go to the… real world and beat the hacker.
X. Iminez: That’s the basic idea, yes.
De la Vlaada: But who?
Teddos: I will do it… I didn’t do much lately anyway.
X. Iminez: True. Ok, follow me. I suggest that others go and help Sir Consis the Brave keep the CoC castle.
Vokialisso: Wait, we need to go all the way back?!
Angelito: Yup… Alright, people, pack up. But this time we’re going across the mountain. There are no Balrogs in the mountains, right?
Baklavaldo: None that I know of.
Angelito: Good.
***
Sir Consis the Noble: …Get back, or be devoured by the shadows of oblivion! Never shall you lay your dark hands on this lightful place!...
Fortressfano: Someone please shoot me…
***
/X. Iminez’s laboratory./
X. Iminez: Alright, now sit on this funny looking chair here, please.
/Teddos sits on the funny looking chair…/
X. Iminez: Take these pills.
/Teddos takes the pills…/
X. Iminez: Say wacka-wacka-jumbo-chiwamba.
/Teddos says wacka-wacka-jumbo-chiwamba/
Teddos: Was that really necessary?
X. Iminez: No but it made me feel better… Ok, now Spectros, pull that lever…
/Spectros, X. Iminez’s helper, pulls the lever. Bziu-bziu sounds are heard and Teddos disappears/
Spectros: Instruments show that Teddos is now off-line.
X. Iminez: Yes! It worked!
***
Sir Consis the Noble: …And if you still decide to go past me and try to take the treasures that await beyond me by force, thou shalt meet a horryfying defeat and your vile plans shalt be ended forever!
Fortressfano: Alright, CHAR-
Sir Consis the Noble: For I shall give my best to stop the barbaric hordes of the…
Fortressfano: God damn it…
***
/Mountains…/
Vokialisso: Isn’t it nice to just walk without fighting goblins, for a change…
De la Vlaada: Yeah, this is like some sort of a vacation… Wait, why is the ground trembling?
Baklavaldo: Because of the behemoths, of course.
Angelito: No. No. This isn’t happening.
/A huge behemoth gets out of the ground and stands in front of Angelito/
Angelito: Ok… YYOOOUUU SHAALLL NNNOTTTT PPAAA-
/Lith takes out a bazooka and blows out the behemoth/
Lith: It’s easier this way.
Baklavaldo: Well done. Only 15 left.
Alcibiadez: Wait, I’ve got a plan.
Pandorella: Yes?
Alcibiadez: RUN!
***
/A dark, tight room. Some electroshocks happen around and Teddos appears. He glances around. The room contains a bed, a computer, some posters, and a geek./
Teddos: Uhm… Excuse me, are you the hacker?
The hacker (turning around): How did you get in here?
Teddos: Are you or are you not the hacker?
The hacker: Well, technically…
***
Sir Consis the Noble: …which further implies that any attempts of crushing the liberty of our wonderful country will result in the imprisonment and perhaps even death of you and your horrible helpers…
Fortressfano (covering his ears with his hands): I’m not listening… I’m not listening… Lalalalala… Not listening… Lalala…
Doomos: Wait, what’s that?
/The Moderatorez army appears at the horizon. Battered and tired, but it’s still there/
Fortressfano: No! I won’t fail again! Hacker, destroy them! (pause) Hacker? Hacker?!
/Teddos gets out of the Moderatorez army, holding the chained hacker./
Teddos: We’ve put the hacker in our custody. As you can see, he is now a prisoner of the Republic of Heroes Community people. Ha.
Fortressfano: Very well… You leave me with no choice…
/Fortressfano grabs Sir Consis the Noble, takes out a knife and puts it below Consis’s throat/
Fortressfano: If anyone gets one step closer, Sir Consis the Noble gets it… I want a helicopter and 50 QPs, NOW!
Angelito: Fortressfano, be reasonable. Relax. You’ll get your QPs and your helicopter.
Fortressfano: And some chocolate!
Angelito: And some chocolate. Of course.
/Geny is standing next to Fortressfano. Suddenly, he hears something… A tune. A very familiar tune. “All along the watchtower”. He glances at the sky…/
Geny: What… Oh my God… Jimmy Hendrix… Elvis… Janis Joplin… Kurt Cobain… They are all there…
Jimmy Hendrix: Geny… What are you doing? Look at you… Is that the point of rock? Rock isn’t about how good guitar you have… It’s about how good heart you have… It’s about the idea of making people feel better… It’s about music, and peace, and weed.
Geny: Jimmy… I was blind… But now I see! Thank you Jimmy. Thank you…
/Geny hits Fortressfano in the face, takes the knife and throws it aside, jumps at Fortressfano, strikes him in the stomach and kicks him in the groins… That’s where it ends, since this IS a show for people under 18, and I don’t want to get too brutal./
Jimmy Hendrix: Well that was tough… I’m proud of you, Geny. Goodbye (then he disappears)
Geny: Moderatorez… Could you ever forgive me?
Angelito: Of course… We’re all a big family after all. Now we just need to wait for the Presidente to come back from his vacation and decide what to do with this hacker and Fortressfano.
Doomos: I see things went wrong… It would be best if I teleported back to Vatican. (takes out a teleportation remote, presses the red button and disappears).
Unhackablito (coming out of nowhere): Wel helo gyus! Hwo aer you?
Vokialisso: KD! You’re back!
Unhackablito: No I ma nto KD. I am his yugner brohtre Unhakcalbito!
Vokialisso: KD, I can see you behind that fake moustache.
Unhackablito: I ma nto KD! I am Uhnakalbito!
Vokialisso: Ok… ok… Well, welcome to HC.
Unhackablito: Tanhk yuo! Hvae yuo seen teh nwe vesrion of th stelement?
Fortressfano: God damn you KD! God damn you and your Settlement! I will get my revenge one day, mark my words! I WILL GET MY REVENGE!
Angelito: Nah, I think you’ll get banned.
Fortressfano: Aw…
THE END OF SEASON 1
Episode #99
HC films in association with HC organisation presents
An HC production
HC Soap by Baklava
EPISODE #99
Fortressfano Reloaded
/Dark corners of the punishment institution for the bad mannered… Fortressfano is chained to a wall, rotting in disability to post/
Trogdorino: So why are you here?
Fortressfano: Trying to take over the community…
Trogdorino: Oh… That’s bad…
Fortressfano: Wait, I think I know you. You're Trodgerino, right?
Trogdorino: It's Trogdorino actually...
Some mystical voice: Hello Fortressfano
Fortressfano: What? Who’s that?! How do you know my name?
The Hacker: You can call me the Hacker. I’ve been around, hacking accounts.
Trogdorino: You’re the one who did… that to William?
The Hacker: Oh yes. But that was just the beginning. You see, I have grown in power in time. I read some manuals. I can free you from this place, if you agree to help me.
Trogdorino: Sure!
The Hacker: I wasn’t talking to you, Trodgerino.
Trogdorino: IT'S TROGDORINO!
Fortressfano: Help you? With what?
The Hacker: Taking over the place. You shall find that working for me has its benefits.
Trogdorino: What’s the use? Presidente Valeriyo will always be here to spoil your plans.
The Hacker: Oh don’t worry, Trodgerino. I’ve dealt with him… He won’t be disturbing us for some time.
Trogdorino: FOR CHRISSAKES PEOPLE IT'S TROGDORINO! DOES IT FREAKING HURT TO CALL ME TROGDORINO?!!!
Fortressfano (ignoring Trodgerino): How did you manage to defeat the almighty Presidente?
The Hacker (embarassed): Well… I didn’t actually defeat him… He’s more, like, on a holiday. But nevertheless, this is a great chance to take things over.
Fortressfano: True… Ok, let’s get to business then.
/Fortressfano’s status suddenly changes from bad mannered to responsible. The chains break and he gets out of the prison/
Trogdorino: Hey, guys, you forgot about me. Guys? Guys! Oh God damn it…
/The wedding ceremony... KD is married with Kookastarella and they get into a "just married" coach. It goes away. Everyone’s watching/
Angelito: Well I guess that’s over with.
Alcibiadez: I like happy endings…
Pandorella: Am I the only one noticing the episode just started?
/A moment of silence/
Vokialisso: So?
Pandorella: Well it can’t be over yet.
/Another moment of silence as everyone digests that fact/
Teddos: Let’s all get drunk!
/Everyone starts cheering loudly and going to the “Taberna de la salida del sol” bar to destroy their livers with vast quantities of various alcoholic drinks/
/Fortressfano takes out his cellphone. He browses his phonebook until he finds a number named “Vatican”. He dials it and waits. Finally the answering machine is activated/
Machine: Hello. This is the Roman Catholic customer service. If you have a confession to make, press one. If you wish to convert yourself to our Church, press two. If you would like to inform us of heresy, press three.
/Fortressfano presses three/
Machine: Please wait until an inquisitor is free to talk with.
/Cute music starts playing. After several seconds, an inquisitor answers the phone/
Doomos: This is inquisitor Doomos Forges. How can I help you?
Fortressfano: Uh… I would like to report heresy.
Doomos: Mhm. I just have to inform you, we can’t burn Jewish people. It’s too risky and their lobby is too tough.
Fortressfano: These heretics are not Jewish.
Doomos: We also can’t do Voodoo followers. They’re spooky and smell funny.
Fortressfano: No, no, they’re not Voodoo either.
Doomos: Well then you are doing the right thing, sir. Infidels must burn to realise the error of their ways. Uh, what’s your current location?
Fortressfano: RHCP.
Doomos: Red Hot Chilli Peppers?
Fortressfano: Republic of Heroes Community People.
Doomos: Ah. So what kind of heretics are we talking about? Satanists, Muslims, hippies…?
Fortressfano: Well… Actually they’re not heretics but I’ll make an adequate donation to the One Church if you can burn them.
Doomos (suspicious): How adequate?
Fortressfano: Half a million euros adequate.
Doomos (cheered up): I see. I’m on my way, sir.
Fortressfano: Thank you. (hangs up) Now to get the others…
***
/Bob Geny, a young rock musician, is practicing some chords on an acoustic guitar in his apartment. Suddenly he hears the doorbell/
Geny: I’ll be right there dude…
/Geny opens the door and sees Fortressfano outside/
Geny: Who the hell are you?
Fortressfano: A friend. I need you to work for me.
Geny: Whoa dude you got the wrong apartment…
Fortressfano: Perhaps this will draw your attention?
/Fortressfano pulls out a 2004 Gibson Explorer and hands it to Geny/
Geny (after a respectful pause): Sh*t… Is it original?
Fortressfano: Right from the US of A… And it’s waiting just for you.
Geny: So what do I have to do?
Fortressfano: To help me… I’m in need of henchmen right now and you have quite some potential.
***
/The laboratories of Lord George Enie (G. Enie. You get the point. It’s getting harder and harder to think up the names…), a British ex-noble who came to the RHCP to continue his insane research on human minds and to be able to buy larger quantities of coffee. Fortressfan enters the room while Enie is experimenting on some brains/
Fortressfano: What’s up George?
Lord G. Enie: Nothing. Having fun. Would you like some tea?
Fortressfano: Sure, why not…
Lord G. Enie (sipping a cup of tea to Fortressfano): Here you go.
Fortressfano (drinking tea): Hm… I don’t usually drink tea but this is actually good… A little strange though. I guess you made it from brains, ha ha.
/An uncomfortable pause. Enie is not laughing/
Fortressfano: Oh for Christ’s sake… Where’s the bathroom? Or, if you’d prefer that I throw up on the carpet…
Lord G. Enie: First door to the left. I can’t believe how weak stomach some people have…
Fortressfano goes to the bathroom. “Blargh” noises are heard. He goes out of the bathroom and sits back in the chair
Lord G. Enie: Would you like another cup?
Fortressfano: Are you aware of the decapitated moose laying in your bathroom tub?
Lord G. Enie: Yeah… I took his head and hanged it on the wall, but didn’t know what to do with the rest of it. I guess I could’ve buried it in the backyard but it’s more exotic this way… And keeps the cockroaches out.
Fortressfano (nodding): So, I’ve heard you made some progress in the mind-taking technique.
Lord G. Enie: Yeah… You can poke someone with this stick (gives Fortressfano a stick with an electrical thingy on one end of it) and he’ll become a mindless zombie, controlled by the one that poked him.
Fortressfano: Interesting… But physically impossible.
Lord G. Enie: Well then you wouldn’t mind if I poked you…
Fortressfano: NO! I mean, no, that isn’t necessary. I’ll trust you on this one. After all, you created S.P.A.M…
Lord G. Enie: Speaking of which, did it work?
Fortressfano: Nah, everyone stood on Dougalitto’s side.
Lord G. Enie: Tough luck… Well then, I guess you can use it freely now.
Fortressfano: What do you mean?
Lord G. Enie (walking to a cupboard and taking a strange weapon out of it): This is the SPAM-42 rifle. Rather painful. Uses 9mm SPAM bullets…
Fortresfano: Useful… I’ll take a dozen of those… I might just need them…
***
/Next scene, the “Taberna de la salida del sol”/
Vokialisso (to the bartender): Yeah, uhm, I’ll take a Bloody Mary… But keep the Mary, if you know what I mean…
Bartender: Wtf
Vokialisso (resigned): *sigh* Never mind. Look, guys, I’m going over to the Newcomers’ Inn to drain some noob blood, I’ll be right back.
De La Vlaada: Don’t accept candy from strangers…
Vokialisso: Dad how many times do I have to tell you I’m not five anymore!
De La Vlaada: One can never be too cautious…
Vokialisso: Whatever…
***
Fortressfano (to his minions, standing in front of the Newcomers’ Inn): Minions! The battle for our reign starts today! Prepare your sticks! I want every Tavern dweller... No matter the nick and occupation... To be transformed. And when that’s done, when they all join my mindless army… (Fortressfano turns to Doomos) …bring your torch out... I want the Inn to burn!
/The raid starts. Minions break into the Inn and start poking the noobs, turning them into zombies. Then they take out torches and burn the place. Vokialisso accidentally comes just in that moment, sees what’s happening and runs away/
***
/Vokialisso enters the “Taberna de la salida del sol“ quickly and starts yelling/
Vokialisso: He has risen!
Angelito: Who has risen?
Vokialisso: Fortressfano! He’s back!
Alcibiadez: It think you should take it easy with the alcohol next time.
Vokialisso: I’m serious! They burned the Inn down!
Pandorella: What?! But… What about the noobs?
Vokialisso: He poked them with sticks!
Angelito: Oh no, he poked them with sticks, whatever shall we do…
Vokialisso: special electrical sticks that turn people into zombies!
Angelito (to God): Why does there always have to be a catch?
De La Vlaada: I’ll go there and see what happened. You guys stay here.
***
/Burning ruins of the Inn. De La Vlaada checks the situation out under the effects of the Disguise spell/
Fortressfano: Since this is the place where all noobs come, I want a huge statue of the magnificent me in the middle of the ruins. I want all newcomers to know they must obey me, the one true overlord of this land.
Hacker’s voice: Oh are you, Fortressfano?
Fortressfano (shivering): Ok, the second greatest overlord of this land…
Hacker’s voice: That’s better. Never forget, I am always here. I am always EVERYWHERE.
Fortressfano: Yes master!
Hacker’s voice: Now, you’ll go for the FAQ. Once that document is destroyed, our enemies won’t know what to do, which will give us supreme strategic advantage. After that, wait for further orders…
***
/The Taberna again/
Count De La Vlaada: He has gained control of the Inn! He's going for the FAQ!
Angelito: We can’t get there in time… So we’ll need someone who can get there quickly and distract them until we arrive.
Pandorella: I think I know just the person…
***
/The FAQ tower. Fortressfano approaches the door/
Fortressfano: I’m glad this place isn’t guarded… This way I can take on the mod troops later. Zombies, break through the door.
/Suddenly a strange, thunder-like sound is heard. It was getting stronger and stronger, as if something was approaching wery swiftly. Fortressfano looks at the horizon/
Fortressfano: If that’s who I think it is…
/A customized Harley-Davidson can now be seen nicely. It’s heading at Fortressfano. Its rider suddenly draws out two submachine guns and starts decimating zombies. In a moment, the rider jumps out and stands on the ground, stopping with the shooting. He points his brown, shaved head at Fortressfano and looks at him/
Fortressfano: Mister MightyMage.
MightyMage: Mister Fortressfano.
Fortressfano: You know you cannot stop me.
MightyMage: Perhaps. But I can take out my guns and shoot the crap out of your zombies, which is almost as fun.
Fortressfano: If that’s how you want it… ZOMBIES, SPAM HIM!
/Zombies start attacking him with SPAM rifles (Yes, they do know how to use SPAM rifles. Yes. I know they are zombies. In Hellsing cartoon, zombies use submachine guns and no one said anything about it). He looks at them daringly and reloads his weapons/
TO BE CONTINUED…
An HC production
HC Soap by Baklava
EPISODE #99
Fortressfano Reloaded
/Dark corners of the punishment institution for the bad mannered… Fortressfano is chained to a wall, rotting in disability to post/
Trogdorino: So why are you here?
Fortressfano: Trying to take over the community…
Trogdorino: Oh… That’s bad…
Fortressfano: Wait, I think I know you. You're Trodgerino, right?
Trogdorino: It's Trogdorino actually...
Some mystical voice: Hello Fortressfano
Fortressfano: What? Who’s that?! How do you know my name?
The Hacker: You can call me the Hacker. I’ve been around, hacking accounts.
Trogdorino: You’re the one who did… that to William?
The Hacker: Oh yes. But that was just the beginning. You see, I have grown in power in time. I read some manuals. I can free you from this place, if you agree to help me.
Trogdorino: Sure!
The Hacker: I wasn’t talking to you, Trodgerino.
Trogdorino: IT'S TROGDORINO!
Fortressfano: Help you? With what?
The Hacker: Taking over the place. You shall find that working for me has its benefits.
Trogdorino: What’s the use? Presidente Valeriyo will always be here to spoil your plans.
The Hacker: Oh don’t worry, Trodgerino. I’ve dealt with him… He won’t be disturbing us for some time.
Trogdorino: FOR CHRISSAKES PEOPLE IT'S TROGDORINO! DOES IT FREAKING HURT TO CALL ME TROGDORINO?!!!
Fortressfano (ignoring Trodgerino): How did you manage to defeat the almighty Presidente?
The Hacker (embarassed): Well… I didn’t actually defeat him… He’s more, like, on a holiday. But nevertheless, this is a great chance to take things over.
Fortressfano: True… Ok, let’s get to business then.
/Fortressfano’s status suddenly changes from bad mannered to responsible. The chains break and he gets out of the prison/
Trogdorino: Hey, guys, you forgot about me. Guys? Guys! Oh God damn it…
/The wedding ceremony... KD is married with Kookastarella and they get into a "just married" coach. It goes away. Everyone’s watching/
Angelito: Well I guess that’s over with.
Alcibiadez: I like happy endings…
Pandorella: Am I the only one noticing the episode just started?
/A moment of silence/
Vokialisso: So?
Pandorella: Well it can’t be over yet.
/Another moment of silence as everyone digests that fact/
Teddos: Let’s all get drunk!
/Everyone starts cheering loudly and going to the “Taberna de la salida del sol” bar to destroy their livers with vast quantities of various alcoholic drinks/
/Fortressfano takes out his cellphone. He browses his phonebook until he finds a number named “Vatican”. He dials it and waits. Finally the answering machine is activated/
Machine: Hello. This is the Roman Catholic customer service. If you have a confession to make, press one. If you wish to convert yourself to our Church, press two. If you would like to inform us of heresy, press three.
/Fortressfano presses three/
Machine: Please wait until an inquisitor is free to talk with.
/Cute music starts playing. After several seconds, an inquisitor answers the phone/
Doomos: This is inquisitor Doomos Forges. How can I help you?
Fortressfano: Uh… I would like to report heresy.
Doomos: Mhm. I just have to inform you, we can’t burn Jewish people. It’s too risky and their lobby is too tough.
Fortressfano: These heretics are not Jewish.
Doomos: We also can’t do Voodoo followers. They’re spooky and smell funny.
Fortressfano: No, no, they’re not Voodoo either.
Doomos: Well then you are doing the right thing, sir. Infidels must burn to realise the error of their ways. Uh, what’s your current location?
Fortressfano: RHCP.
Doomos: Red Hot Chilli Peppers?
Fortressfano: Republic of Heroes Community People.
Doomos: Ah. So what kind of heretics are we talking about? Satanists, Muslims, hippies…?
Fortressfano: Well… Actually they’re not heretics but I’ll make an adequate donation to the One Church if you can burn them.
Doomos (suspicious): How adequate?
Fortressfano: Half a million euros adequate.
Doomos (cheered up): I see. I’m on my way, sir.
Fortressfano: Thank you. (hangs up) Now to get the others…
***
/Bob Geny, a young rock musician, is practicing some chords on an acoustic guitar in his apartment. Suddenly he hears the doorbell/
Geny: I’ll be right there dude…
/Geny opens the door and sees Fortressfano outside/
Geny: Who the hell are you?
Fortressfano: A friend. I need you to work for me.
Geny: Whoa dude you got the wrong apartment…
Fortressfano: Perhaps this will draw your attention?
/Fortressfano pulls out a 2004 Gibson Explorer and hands it to Geny/
Geny (after a respectful pause): Sh*t… Is it original?
Fortressfano: Right from the US of A… And it’s waiting just for you.
Geny: So what do I have to do?
Fortressfano: To help me… I’m in need of henchmen right now and you have quite some potential.
***
/The laboratories of Lord George Enie (G. Enie. You get the point. It’s getting harder and harder to think up the names…), a British ex-noble who came to the RHCP to continue his insane research on human minds and to be able to buy larger quantities of coffee. Fortressfan enters the room while Enie is experimenting on some brains/
Fortressfano: What’s up George?
Lord G. Enie: Nothing. Having fun. Would you like some tea?
Fortressfano: Sure, why not…
Lord G. Enie (sipping a cup of tea to Fortressfano): Here you go.
Fortressfano (drinking tea): Hm… I don’t usually drink tea but this is actually good… A little strange though. I guess you made it from brains, ha ha.
/An uncomfortable pause. Enie is not laughing/
Fortressfano: Oh for Christ’s sake… Where’s the bathroom? Or, if you’d prefer that I throw up on the carpet…
Lord G. Enie: First door to the left. I can’t believe how weak stomach some people have…
Fortressfano goes to the bathroom. “Blargh” noises are heard. He goes out of the bathroom and sits back in the chair
Lord G. Enie: Would you like another cup?
Fortressfano: Are you aware of the decapitated moose laying in your bathroom tub?
Lord G. Enie: Yeah… I took his head and hanged it on the wall, but didn’t know what to do with the rest of it. I guess I could’ve buried it in the backyard but it’s more exotic this way… And keeps the cockroaches out.
Fortressfano (nodding): So, I’ve heard you made some progress in the mind-taking technique.
Lord G. Enie: Yeah… You can poke someone with this stick (gives Fortressfano a stick with an electrical thingy on one end of it) and he’ll become a mindless zombie, controlled by the one that poked him.
Fortressfano: Interesting… But physically impossible.
Lord G. Enie: Well then you wouldn’t mind if I poked you…
Fortressfano: NO! I mean, no, that isn’t necessary. I’ll trust you on this one. After all, you created S.P.A.M…
Lord G. Enie: Speaking of which, did it work?
Fortressfano: Nah, everyone stood on Dougalitto’s side.
Lord G. Enie: Tough luck… Well then, I guess you can use it freely now.
Fortressfano: What do you mean?
Lord G. Enie (walking to a cupboard and taking a strange weapon out of it): This is the SPAM-42 rifle. Rather painful. Uses 9mm SPAM bullets…
Fortresfano: Useful… I’ll take a dozen of those… I might just need them…
***
/Next scene, the “Taberna de la salida del sol”/
Vokialisso (to the bartender): Yeah, uhm, I’ll take a Bloody Mary… But keep the Mary, if you know what I mean…
Bartender: Wtf
Vokialisso (resigned): *sigh* Never mind. Look, guys, I’m going over to the Newcomers’ Inn to drain some noob blood, I’ll be right back.
De La Vlaada: Don’t accept candy from strangers…
Vokialisso: Dad how many times do I have to tell you I’m not five anymore!
De La Vlaada: One can never be too cautious…
Vokialisso: Whatever…
***
Fortressfano (to his minions, standing in front of the Newcomers’ Inn): Minions! The battle for our reign starts today! Prepare your sticks! I want every Tavern dweller... No matter the nick and occupation... To be transformed. And when that’s done, when they all join my mindless army… (Fortressfano turns to Doomos) …bring your torch out... I want the Inn to burn!
/The raid starts. Minions break into the Inn and start poking the noobs, turning them into zombies. Then they take out torches and burn the place. Vokialisso accidentally comes just in that moment, sees what’s happening and runs away/
***
/Vokialisso enters the “Taberna de la salida del sol“ quickly and starts yelling/
Vokialisso: He has risen!
Angelito: Who has risen?
Vokialisso: Fortressfano! He’s back!
Alcibiadez: It think you should take it easy with the alcohol next time.
Vokialisso: I’m serious! They burned the Inn down!
Pandorella: What?! But… What about the noobs?
Vokialisso: He poked them with sticks!
Angelito: Oh no, he poked them with sticks, whatever shall we do…
Vokialisso: special electrical sticks that turn people into zombies!
Angelito (to God): Why does there always have to be a catch?
De La Vlaada: I’ll go there and see what happened. You guys stay here.
***
/Burning ruins of the Inn. De La Vlaada checks the situation out under the effects of the Disguise spell/
Fortressfano: Since this is the place where all noobs come, I want a huge statue of the magnificent me in the middle of the ruins. I want all newcomers to know they must obey me, the one true overlord of this land.
Hacker’s voice: Oh are you, Fortressfano?
Fortressfano (shivering): Ok, the second greatest overlord of this land…
Hacker’s voice: That’s better. Never forget, I am always here. I am always EVERYWHERE.
Fortressfano: Yes master!
Hacker’s voice: Now, you’ll go for the FAQ. Once that document is destroyed, our enemies won’t know what to do, which will give us supreme strategic advantage. After that, wait for further orders…
***
/The Taberna again/
Count De La Vlaada: He has gained control of the Inn! He's going for the FAQ!
Angelito: We can’t get there in time… So we’ll need someone who can get there quickly and distract them until we arrive.
Pandorella: I think I know just the person…
***
/The FAQ tower. Fortressfano approaches the door/
Fortressfano: I’m glad this place isn’t guarded… This way I can take on the mod troops later. Zombies, break through the door.
/Suddenly a strange, thunder-like sound is heard. It was getting stronger and stronger, as if something was approaching wery swiftly. Fortressfano looks at the horizon/
Fortressfano: If that’s who I think it is…
/A customized Harley-Davidson can now be seen nicely. It’s heading at Fortressfano. Its rider suddenly draws out two submachine guns and starts decimating zombies. In a moment, the rider jumps out and stands on the ground, stopping with the shooting. He points his brown, shaved head at Fortressfano and looks at him/
Fortressfano: Mister MightyMage.
MightyMage: Mister Fortressfano.
Fortressfano: You know you cannot stop me.
MightyMage: Perhaps. But I can take out my guns and shoot the crap out of your zombies, which is almost as fun.
Fortressfano: If that’s how you want it… ZOMBIES, SPAM HIM!
/Zombies start attacking him with SPAM rifles (Yes, they do know how to use SPAM rifles. Yes. I know they are zombies. In Hellsing cartoon, zombies use submachine guns and no one said anything about it). He looks at them daringly and reloads his weapons/
TO BE CONTINUED…
Episode #99 and #100 trailer
Narrator: The villain was defeated...
/Fortressfano shown in Bad-Mannered chains yelling "NOOOOO"/
Narrator: Love was victorious...
/KD and Kookastarella shown in a "just married" coach/
Narrator: It all seemed finished...
/Angelito shown looking at the coach/
Angelito: Well I guess that's over with.
/Fade-out/
Fortressfano's voice: Guess again.
/Adrenaline-filling music starts, first with the bass-drums/
/Various scene parts and characters, like in all trailers (different scenes shown with * signs):/
Vokialisso (to Angelito): He has risen!
***
Teddos: Call Valeriy!
Pandorella: Can't... He's on vacation... We're on our own...
***
Fortressfano (to Doomos Forgero): Bring your torch out... I want the Inn to burn!
***
/Scene of troops breaking into the inn, slaying people and burning the place down. Other instruments join the music. Fortressfano's voice is still heard/
Fortressfano: I want every Tavern dweller... No matter the nick and occupation... To be transformed.
***
Count De La Vlaada: He has gained control of the Inn! He's going for the FAQ!
Narrator: This summer... Well it's more of a winter/spring but it's close enough...
***
Alcibiadez: Man the barricades! If he reaches the CoC we are doomed...
Narrator: The dead will return...
***
/Cool sounding chorus joins the music/
Angelito: Muster the Modhirrim!
Narrator: The bad-mannered will become supreme...
***
Fortressfano: Spam them. Spam them all!
***
Angelito: This is an age of freedom! Of order! Of QPs!
Narrator: And the fate of the community...
***
/The scene changes to a view of mass battle/
Narrator: Is about to be decided...
/The music stops/
***
Alcibiadez: I need to go to the bathroom...
***
/The music continues and the battle is shown again, only in slow motion... It lasts for a few seconds and the music, along with the screen, fades out. Pandorella's voice is heard/
Pandorella: That guy has serious mental issues...
/EPISODE #99 - IN TOPICS SOON/
/Rated PG-13/
/Fortressfano shown in Bad-Mannered chains yelling "NOOOOO"/
Narrator: Love was victorious...
/KD and Kookastarella shown in a "just married" coach/
Narrator: It all seemed finished...
/Angelito shown looking at the coach/
Angelito: Well I guess that's over with.
/Fade-out/
Fortressfano's voice: Guess again.
/Adrenaline-filling music starts, first with the bass-drums/
/Various scene parts and characters, like in all trailers (different scenes shown with * signs):/
Vokialisso (to Angelito): He has risen!
***
Teddos: Call Valeriy!
Pandorella: Can't... He's on vacation... We're on our own...
***
Fortressfano (to Doomos Forgero): Bring your torch out... I want the Inn to burn!
***
/Scene of troops breaking into the inn, slaying people and burning the place down. Other instruments join the music. Fortressfano's voice is still heard/
Fortressfano: I want every Tavern dweller... No matter the nick and occupation... To be transformed.
***
Count De La Vlaada: He has gained control of the Inn! He's going for the FAQ!
Narrator: This summer... Well it's more of a winter/spring but it's close enough...
***
Alcibiadez: Man the barricades! If he reaches the CoC we are doomed...
Narrator: The dead will return...
***
/Cool sounding chorus joins the music/
Angelito: Muster the Modhirrim!
Narrator: The bad-mannered will become supreme...
***
Fortressfano: Spam them. Spam them all!
***
Angelito: This is an age of freedom! Of order! Of QPs!
Narrator: And the fate of the community...
***
/The scene changes to a view of mass battle/
Narrator: Is about to be decided...
/The music stops/
***
Alcibiadez: I need to go to the bathroom...
***
/The music continues and the battle is shown again, only in slow motion... It lasts for a few seconds and the music, along with the screen, fades out. Pandorella's voice is heard/
Pandorella: That guy has serious mental issues...
/EPISODE #99 - IN TOPICS SOON/
/Rated PG-13/
Episode #98
/The "Altar de deseos" mental hospital... The animal sadist section... Bixiero Lopez, the condemned furry animal killer, remembers something that happened in the past, when he talked to Baklavaldo.../
Baklavaldo: Frogs are unfitting...
/Unfitting... That word went through his mind every day... Bixiero has sworn to revenge to Baklavaldo for this as soon as possible... He didn't know why, as he doesn't even like frogs, but that's not the point. The point is that he needs to revenge upon someone. He is currently imprisoned in an asylum, and has no idea how to escape from it. Suddenly, the door bashes open and a shaded figure enters the room with some more people./
Fortressfano: Bixiero Lopez?
Bixiero: You... How do you know my name?
Fortressfano: I've heard of your capabilities before... I need you for a horrible but ingenious masterplan I've just come up with.
Bixiero: What do I get from it?
Fortressfano: Well, first of all, you'll be out of this place. I happen to know you've had enough of living in a room which has both the bed and the toilet seat in it... Second, I offer revenge upon your arch-enemy...
/Spooky music/
Bixiero: Baklavaldo?
/Fortressfano nods/
Fortressfano: So, can I count on you?
Bixiero: I need to kill someone... And I'm fresh out of bunnies.
Fortressfano: Ok, that's a bit weird, but I'll take it as a 'yes'.
/Second scene, the Moderatorez Villa. Angelito is sitting in the living room and listening to a record of Addicto & the Dynamites, the famous Latin music group. Suddenly, the phone rings/
Angelito: Yes?
Count de la Vlaada: De la Vlaada here. A psychopath managed to escape the asylum.
Angelito: So?
Count de la Vlaada: What do you mean 'so'? The last time a psycopath escaped the asylum he managed to become the president of the Untied States...
Angelito: True... So how did this guy run away?
Count de la Vlaada: He had help from the outside... We suspect Fotressfano.
Angelito: Ok, I'll look into it...
/After saying that, he hangs up/
Angelito: Pandorella?
Pandorella: What is it?
Angelito: Would you mind going to Fortressfano's house and seeing if there's a dangerous psychopath hiding there?
Pandorella: Why can't you go yourself?
Angelito: Well I have this senseless phobia about dangerous psychopaths... It's ridiculous, I know, but I can't help it.
Pandorella: Oh alright, you big baby...
/Another scene. Fortressfano's villa... Fortressfano is sitting in his office and waiting. Suddenly his secretary comes in/
Secretary: Excuse me, senor, but there's someone who needs to see you. One of the-
Fortressfano: ...Moderatorez. I know. Send her in.
/Pandorella entered the room. Fortressfano put a smile on his face/
Fortressfano: Ah, dona Pandorella! It is so nice to see you...
Pandorella: Hi... Did you hear the news?
Fortressfano: About that guy who escaped the "Altar de deseos"?
Pandorella: Yeah... How did you know?
Fortressfano: Because I helped him!
/Extremely intense music/
Pandorella: Why am I not surprised... Ok, look, bring him back so that we can continue with our lives as usual.
Fortressfano: I'm afraid it won't be that simple, my dear...
/Bixiero enters the room/
Fortressfano: You see, you are now our prisoner! Muahahahahaha...
/Fancy fade out effect, a two-second pause, and yet another scene:
The town hall meeting room, one of those pointlessly long tables in the middle of it and our heroes sitting around it/
Vokialisso: So what's the problem?
Angelito: The problem is that we got this note...
/Angelito takes out a letter from his jacket and reads its contents out loud/
Angelito: "We have Pandorella. If you ever want to see her again you must deliver us Knighto Dougalitto and preferrably Baklavaldo and give me the modship status. Ha ha ha ha ha. Do not try anything stupid and blablabla. Yours truly, lord Fortressfano de la Vega."
/Disturbing silence/
Count de la Vlaada: Alright, we've got to think up a plan.
Teddos: Or we could just comply with their demands... I mean, we do want Pandorella back, right?
Vokialisso: We can't do it... God only knows what horrors would happen if we give Fortressfano the modship status...
/More disturbing silence/
Alcibiadez: Wait, I have an idea! Alright, so...
/The screen fades out of course. You didn't expect I'd let you see all the details now, did you?
Anyway, next scene (there's actually two scenes going on at the same time, I'll divide parts with different scenes with * signs)
First scene: Town Hall, Fortressfano's modship-receiving ceremony. Second scene: Fortressfano's villa somewhere in the plantages.../
Fortressfano (entering through the large Town Hall door with his servants): Ah, it is so nice to see you all here... Now, I just need to check something.
/He pulls out his cellphone and calls Bixiero/
Fortressfano: Hm... There seems to be a transimission problem...
Fortressfano (putting the cellphone back in his jacket): I sure hope you'll stick to the deal, gentlemen, and deliver KD and Baklavaldo to my villa in time... I'd check with Bixiero if they arrived but the lines are obviously out...
Alcibiadez (with a hint of a smile): How unfortunate...
Vokialisso: Don't worry, they're on their way... Nicely packed for you...
Fortressfano: I sure hope so. Well, are you going to make me into a mod or not?
***
The car stopped in front of Fortressfano's villa. Knighto Dougalitto, Baklavaldo and Lith Maethorson got out of the car.
Knighto Dougalitto: So are we gnoing to gte any waposn?
Baklavaldo: Are you sure their contact line is sabotaged?
Lith: Don't worry. Teddos just called me to inform me he succeeded in breaking their contact. Fortressfano will remain blissfully unaware of everything that happens here... About the weapons, follow me.
/Lith opens the trunk and takes out an AK-47, a Tommy-gun, two Desert Eagles, three katanas, three kilograms of C-4, a bazooka, a pack of hand grenades, a claymore sword and a Soviet nuclear submarine/
Baklavaldo: Omg where did you get all this?
Lith: Fell out of a truck... Knock yourself out, guys... I'm waiting for you at the drop-off point.
Knighto Dougalitto: No porlbem...
***
/Fortressfano sits on the throne/
Fortressfano: Now, the crown please...
/Angelito brings out the crown/
***
Gate guard: Halt! Who goes there?
/Knighto Dougalitto takes out the desert eagle and blows his head off/
Baklavaldo: I knew you had it in you, KD...
***
Fortressfano: Where's that crown already?
/Angelito puts the crown gently on his head. The process of making someone a member of the Moderatorez is mostly represented in putting a crown onto the chosen one's head. There is no apparent reason for this practice. That's just the way it is/
Fortressfano: YES! I FEEL IT COARSING THROUGH MY VEINS!
***
/Gunshots are heard all over the place as KD and Baklavaldo are rampaging through Fortressfano's palace, fighting thugs and getting to the office where Pandorella is kept... Some adrenaline-raising heavy metal is of course heard in the background. Finally they're up and KD bashes the door open. They find Bixiero inside, shooting little kitten./
Baklavaldo: Sup Bixiero... What are you doing here?
Bixiero: Baklavaldo... Is it really you?
Baklavaldo: I was, last time I checked. Why?
Bixiero: It is time for vengeance, Baklavaldo! It is time for vengeance!!!
Baklavaldo: Wtf?
***
Fortressfano: COWER BEFORE ME MORTALS, FOR I AM THE ULTIMATE MOD!!!
Alcibiadez: He's more powerful than I thought he'd be... But never mind, just try to keep his attention...
Angelito: No problem...
/Angelito starts chanelling mod power and sends a QP-taking bolt towards Fortressfano/
Fortressfano: YOU PUNY BEINGS! MODS DO NOT HAVE QPS! NOW FALL INTO OBLIVION!
/Fortressfano strikes Angelito and he falls down, excruciated.../
Vokialisso: This is going to be tough...
***
/Bixiero starts *****slapping Baklavaldo/
Baklavaldo (angered): KD, take Pandora out!
Knighto Dougalitto: Btu i dnot fel artacted to her...
/Baklavaldo sighs patiently/
Baklavaldo: I didn't mean take her out ON A DATE, but take her out OF THE BUILDING.
Knighto Dougalitto: Oh. Ok, i'l ste up teh exlposive too. Aernt yu gonig to gte out of hte bluiding?
Baklavaldo: Not yet... When Baklavaldo is *****slapped... Baklavaldo *****slaps back!
***
/The battle rages throughout the town hall... Alcibiadez, Vokialisso, Kookitta, count De La Vlaada and Teddos are fighting Fortressfano's followers, while Angelito, as a Moderatorez, confronts Fortressfano but is slightly outmatched.../
Kookitta (roundhouse-kicking a Fortressfano's servant): There's too many of them...
Alcibiadez: Just trust me!
Vokialisso: Perhaps she's right... We're completely outnumbered...
***
/KD and Pandorella run down the stairs while sounds of brutal *****slapping bewteen Bixiero and Baklavaldo echo around them/
Knighto Dougalitto: So, pnardorela, waht do yu tihnk of teh setelmenat?
Pandorella: Isn't there more important stuff to worry about right now, like getting out of the building?
Knighto Dougalitto: Im jsut aksing...
The explosive's countdown is showing 5 more seconds...
***
Count de la Vlaada (cornered by Fortressfano's bodyguards): Is he coming yet?!
Alcibiadez: Have patience... We've PM-d him, he'll be here...
Angelito: Can't... Hold out... Much... Longer...
Fortressfano: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED THAT YOU ATTACKED ME... THAT MEANS OUR DEAL IS OFF... ALTHOUGH IT WAS CUNNING TO SABOTAGE MY PHONE LINE SO THAT I CANNOT CONTACT BIXIERO IN CASE OF EMERGENCY... BUT TELL ME ONE THING, SINCE YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE ANYWAY. WHY DIDN'T YOU ATTACK ME THE MOMENT I GOT IN HERE? I WAS WAY WEAKER THEN AND MY PHONE LINES ALSO WEREN'T WORKING.
/Pause/
Alcibiadez: Damn it, I knew we forgot to do something...
***
3...
Lith: Quick, into the car! Where's Baklavaldo?
2...
KD: He decdied to stay adn fihgt wtih bixiero...
1...
Lith: What? But the whole building is going to-
/The building explodes/
Lith: Oh crap...
/Suddenly, a figure comes out of the ruins/
Knighto Dougalitto: Blavkaldo! Yur avlie!
Baklavaldo: Yup.
Pandorella: How come you survived?
Baklavaldo: Consider the author.
Lith: I guess that makes sense...
Pandorella: You're aware your back is on fire, right?
Baklavaldo: Yeah... Wait, WHAT?!
/After a little rolling on the floor, Baklavaldo isn't on fire anymore so he safely gets into the car/
Lith: No one's on fire now? No one's missing a limb or something? Ok, now let's get back to see what the others have managed to do...
***
Fortressfano: FACE IT MORTALS... YOU ARE GOING TO FALL AND YOU'LL FALL NOW!
/Suddenly, the wind begins blowing. The center of the room raises into a magical pillar of energy and expands into a portal. Through it walks a person. Everyone falls on their knees/
Alcibiadez: Presidente! Finally!!!
Fortressfano: WHAT?! NO! CANNOT BE!
Angelito: Huan Valeriyo, about time! I think someone here deserves a ban...
Huan Valeriyo Gomes: Indeed... Fortressfano, you have gone too far now. You forget who is the true and only mage of the land. Only I can kill people around here.
Fortressfano: NO! NO! I'M SORRY! DON'T BAN ME!
Huan Valeriyo Gomes: And I shall not. But you will get a horrible punishment. You will be condemned to spend the eternity with the Bad-Mannered status and all your other fake accounts shall be destroyed.
Fortressfano (feeling his modship powers disappear and the chains of bad-mannered-ness strangling him): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...
/Pandorella, Lith, KD and Baklavaldo enter the scene through the doors/
Angelito: Pandorella! You are safe!
Kookitta Stares (approaching, hugging and finally kissing Knighto Dougalitto): You're alive too, Dougalitto, my love!
/An intense, frightening pause as everyone's staring at them in disbelief. Teddos faints/
Vokialisso (finally breaking the silence): But... but... but...
Baklavaldo: This is so weird... SO weird...
Alcibiadez: Why? How? When?
Lith: Damn...
Count de la Vlaada: Uhm...
Angelito: I'm... speechless...
Pandorella: There are things in life that just cannot be explained...
Knighto Dougalitto: I treid to tel yu poeple taht kookita adn i are in lvoe but i waitd for teh rihgt momnet...
/Teddos manages to awaken from the unconsciousness/
Kookitta Stares: We're going to get married!
/Teddos faints again/
Alcibiadez: Well... Good luck then... I guess...
Baklavaldo: Yeah... Good luck...
Angelito: Good luck indeed...
/Then it started... Once the shock passed, everyone started rejoicing and looking forward to the wedding... Actually, more to free booze than to the wedding itself, but celebrating is celebrating... And they all lived happily ever after. Well, for some time at least./
Baklavaldo: Frogs are unfitting...
/Unfitting... That word went through his mind every day... Bixiero has sworn to revenge to Baklavaldo for this as soon as possible... He didn't know why, as he doesn't even like frogs, but that's not the point. The point is that he needs to revenge upon someone. He is currently imprisoned in an asylum, and has no idea how to escape from it. Suddenly, the door bashes open and a shaded figure enters the room with some more people./
Fortressfano: Bixiero Lopez?
Bixiero: You... How do you know my name?
Fortressfano: I've heard of your capabilities before... I need you for a horrible but ingenious masterplan I've just come up with.
Bixiero: What do I get from it?
Fortressfano: Well, first of all, you'll be out of this place. I happen to know you've had enough of living in a room which has both the bed and the toilet seat in it... Second, I offer revenge upon your arch-enemy...
/Spooky music/
Bixiero: Baklavaldo?
/Fortressfano nods/
Fortressfano: So, can I count on you?
Bixiero: I need to kill someone... And I'm fresh out of bunnies.
Fortressfano: Ok, that's a bit weird, but I'll take it as a 'yes'.
/Second scene, the Moderatorez Villa. Angelito is sitting in the living room and listening to a record of Addicto & the Dynamites, the famous Latin music group. Suddenly, the phone rings/
Angelito: Yes?
Count de la Vlaada: De la Vlaada here. A psychopath managed to escape the asylum.
Angelito: So?
Count de la Vlaada: What do you mean 'so'? The last time a psycopath escaped the asylum he managed to become the president of the Untied States...
Angelito: True... So how did this guy run away?
Count de la Vlaada: He had help from the outside... We suspect Fotressfano.
Angelito: Ok, I'll look into it...
/After saying that, he hangs up/
Angelito: Pandorella?
Pandorella: What is it?
Angelito: Would you mind going to Fortressfano's house and seeing if there's a dangerous psychopath hiding there?
Pandorella: Why can't you go yourself?
Angelito: Well I have this senseless phobia about dangerous psychopaths... It's ridiculous, I know, but I can't help it.
Pandorella: Oh alright, you big baby...
/Another scene. Fortressfano's villa... Fortressfano is sitting in his office and waiting. Suddenly his secretary comes in/
Secretary: Excuse me, senor, but there's someone who needs to see you. One of the-
Fortressfano: ...Moderatorez. I know. Send her in.
/Pandorella entered the room. Fortressfano put a smile on his face/
Fortressfano: Ah, dona Pandorella! It is so nice to see you...
Pandorella: Hi... Did you hear the news?
Fortressfano: About that guy who escaped the "Altar de deseos"?
Pandorella: Yeah... How did you know?
Fortressfano: Because I helped him!
/Extremely intense music/
Pandorella: Why am I not surprised... Ok, look, bring him back so that we can continue with our lives as usual.
Fortressfano: I'm afraid it won't be that simple, my dear...
/Bixiero enters the room/
Fortressfano: You see, you are now our prisoner! Muahahahahaha...
/Fancy fade out effect, a two-second pause, and yet another scene:
The town hall meeting room, one of those pointlessly long tables in the middle of it and our heroes sitting around it/
Vokialisso: So what's the problem?
Angelito: The problem is that we got this note...
/Angelito takes out a letter from his jacket and reads its contents out loud/
Angelito: "We have Pandorella. If you ever want to see her again you must deliver us Knighto Dougalitto and preferrably Baklavaldo and give me the modship status. Ha ha ha ha ha. Do not try anything stupid and blablabla. Yours truly, lord Fortressfano de la Vega."
/Disturbing silence/
Count de la Vlaada: Alright, we've got to think up a plan.
Teddos: Or we could just comply with their demands... I mean, we do want Pandorella back, right?
Vokialisso: We can't do it... God only knows what horrors would happen if we give Fortressfano the modship status...
/More disturbing silence/
Alcibiadez: Wait, I have an idea! Alright, so...
/The screen fades out of course. You didn't expect I'd let you see all the details now, did you?
Anyway, next scene (there's actually two scenes going on at the same time, I'll divide parts with different scenes with * signs)
First scene: Town Hall, Fortressfano's modship-receiving ceremony. Second scene: Fortressfano's villa somewhere in the plantages.../
Fortressfano (entering through the large Town Hall door with his servants): Ah, it is so nice to see you all here... Now, I just need to check something.
/He pulls out his cellphone and calls Bixiero/
Fortressfano: Hm... There seems to be a transimission problem...
Fortressfano (putting the cellphone back in his jacket): I sure hope you'll stick to the deal, gentlemen, and deliver KD and Baklavaldo to my villa in time... I'd check with Bixiero if they arrived but the lines are obviously out...
Alcibiadez (with a hint of a smile): How unfortunate...
Vokialisso: Don't worry, they're on their way... Nicely packed for you...
Fortressfano: I sure hope so. Well, are you going to make me into a mod or not?
***
The car stopped in front of Fortressfano's villa. Knighto Dougalitto, Baklavaldo and Lith Maethorson got out of the car.
Knighto Dougalitto: So are we gnoing to gte any waposn?
Baklavaldo: Are you sure their contact line is sabotaged?
Lith: Don't worry. Teddos just called me to inform me he succeeded in breaking their contact. Fortressfano will remain blissfully unaware of everything that happens here... About the weapons, follow me.
/Lith opens the trunk and takes out an AK-47, a Tommy-gun, two Desert Eagles, three katanas, three kilograms of C-4, a bazooka, a pack of hand grenades, a claymore sword and a Soviet nuclear submarine/
Baklavaldo: Omg where did you get all this?
Lith: Fell out of a truck... Knock yourself out, guys... I'm waiting for you at the drop-off point.
Knighto Dougalitto: No porlbem...
***
/Fortressfano sits on the throne/
Fortressfano: Now, the crown please...
/Angelito brings out the crown/
***
Gate guard: Halt! Who goes there?
/Knighto Dougalitto takes out the desert eagle and blows his head off/
Baklavaldo: I knew you had it in you, KD...
***
Fortressfano: Where's that crown already?
/Angelito puts the crown gently on his head. The process of making someone a member of the Moderatorez is mostly represented in putting a crown onto the chosen one's head. There is no apparent reason for this practice. That's just the way it is/
Fortressfano: YES! I FEEL IT COARSING THROUGH MY VEINS!
***
/Gunshots are heard all over the place as KD and Baklavaldo are rampaging through Fortressfano's palace, fighting thugs and getting to the office where Pandorella is kept... Some adrenaline-raising heavy metal is of course heard in the background. Finally they're up and KD bashes the door open. They find Bixiero inside, shooting little kitten./
Baklavaldo: Sup Bixiero... What are you doing here?
Bixiero: Baklavaldo... Is it really you?
Baklavaldo: I was, last time I checked. Why?
Bixiero: It is time for vengeance, Baklavaldo! It is time for vengeance!!!
Baklavaldo: Wtf?
***
Fortressfano: COWER BEFORE ME MORTALS, FOR I AM THE ULTIMATE MOD!!!
Alcibiadez: He's more powerful than I thought he'd be... But never mind, just try to keep his attention...
Angelito: No problem...
/Angelito starts chanelling mod power and sends a QP-taking bolt towards Fortressfano/
Fortressfano: YOU PUNY BEINGS! MODS DO NOT HAVE QPS! NOW FALL INTO OBLIVION!
/Fortressfano strikes Angelito and he falls down, excruciated.../
Vokialisso: This is going to be tough...
***
/Bixiero starts *****slapping Baklavaldo/
Baklavaldo (angered): KD, take Pandora out!
Knighto Dougalitto: Btu i dnot fel artacted to her...
/Baklavaldo sighs patiently/
Baklavaldo: I didn't mean take her out ON A DATE, but take her out OF THE BUILDING.
Knighto Dougalitto: Oh. Ok, i'l ste up teh exlposive too. Aernt yu gonig to gte out of hte bluiding?
Baklavaldo: Not yet... When Baklavaldo is *****slapped... Baklavaldo *****slaps back!
***
/The battle rages throughout the town hall... Alcibiadez, Vokialisso, Kookitta, count De La Vlaada and Teddos are fighting Fortressfano's followers, while Angelito, as a Moderatorez, confronts Fortressfano but is slightly outmatched.../
Kookitta (roundhouse-kicking a Fortressfano's servant): There's too many of them...
Alcibiadez: Just trust me!
Vokialisso: Perhaps she's right... We're completely outnumbered...
***
/KD and Pandorella run down the stairs while sounds of brutal *****slapping bewteen Bixiero and Baklavaldo echo around them/
Knighto Dougalitto: So, pnardorela, waht do yu tihnk of teh setelmenat?
Pandorella: Isn't there more important stuff to worry about right now, like getting out of the building?
Knighto Dougalitto: Im jsut aksing...
The explosive's countdown is showing 5 more seconds...
***
Count de la Vlaada (cornered by Fortressfano's bodyguards): Is he coming yet?!
Alcibiadez: Have patience... We've PM-d him, he'll be here...
Angelito: Can't... Hold out... Much... Longer...
Fortressfano: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED THAT YOU ATTACKED ME... THAT MEANS OUR DEAL IS OFF... ALTHOUGH IT WAS CUNNING TO SABOTAGE MY PHONE LINE SO THAT I CANNOT CONTACT BIXIERO IN CASE OF EMERGENCY... BUT TELL ME ONE THING, SINCE YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE ANYWAY. WHY DIDN'T YOU ATTACK ME THE MOMENT I GOT IN HERE? I WAS WAY WEAKER THEN AND MY PHONE LINES ALSO WEREN'T WORKING.
/Pause/
Alcibiadez: Damn it, I knew we forgot to do something...
***
3...
Lith: Quick, into the car! Where's Baklavaldo?
2...
KD: He decdied to stay adn fihgt wtih bixiero...
1...
Lith: What? But the whole building is going to-
/The building explodes/
Lith: Oh crap...
/Suddenly, a figure comes out of the ruins/
Knighto Dougalitto: Blavkaldo! Yur avlie!
Baklavaldo: Yup.
Pandorella: How come you survived?
Baklavaldo: Consider the author.
Lith: I guess that makes sense...
Pandorella: You're aware your back is on fire, right?
Baklavaldo: Yeah... Wait, WHAT?!
/After a little rolling on the floor, Baklavaldo isn't on fire anymore so he safely gets into the car/
Lith: No one's on fire now? No one's missing a limb or something? Ok, now let's get back to see what the others have managed to do...
***
Fortressfano: FACE IT MORTALS... YOU ARE GOING TO FALL AND YOU'LL FALL NOW!
/Suddenly, the wind begins blowing. The center of the room raises into a magical pillar of energy and expands into a portal. Through it walks a person. Everyone falls on their knees/
Alcibiadez: Presidente! Finally!!!
Fortressfano: WHAT?! NO! CANNOT BE!
Angelito: Huan Valeriyo, about time! I think someone here deserves a ban...
Huan Valeriyo Gomes: Indeed... Fortressfano, you have gone too far now. You forget who is the true and only mage of the land. Only I can kill people around here.
Fortressfano: NO! NO! I'M SORRY! DON'T BAN ME!
Huan Valeriyo Gomes: And I shall not. But you will get a horrible punishment. You will be condemned to spend the eternity with the Bad-Mannered status and all your other fake accounts shall be destroyed.
Fortressfano (feeling his modship powers disappear and the chains of bad-mannered-ness strangling him): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...
/Pandorella, Lith, KD and Baklavaldo enter the scene through the doors/
Angelito: Pandorella! You are safe!
Kookitta Stares (approaching, hugging and finally kissing Knighto Dougalitto): You're alive too, Dougalitto, my love!
/An intense, frightening pause as everyone's staring at them in disbelief. Teddos faints/
Vokialisso (finally breaking the silence): But... but... but...
Baklavaldo: This is so weird... SO weird...
Alcibiadez: Why? How? When?
Lith: Damn...
Count de la Vlaada: Uhm...
Angelito: I'm... speechless...
Pandorella: There are things in life that just cannot be explained...
Knighto Dougalitto: I treid to tel yu poeple taht kookita adn i are in lvoe but i waitd for teh rihgt momnet...
/Teddos manages to awaken from the unconsciousness/
Kookitta Stares: We're going to get married!
/Teddos faints again/
Alcibiadez: Well... Good luck then... I guess...
Baklavaldo: Yeah... Good luck...
Angelito: Good luck indeed...
/Then it started... Once the shock passed, everyone started rejoicing and looking forward to the wedding... Actually, more to free booze than to the wedding itself, but celebrating is celebrating... And they all lived happily ever after. Well, for some time at least./
Episode #97
(The dialogues are synchronised to English, for two reasons: first, to be easier understood by most people, and second, I don't speak Spanish 
)
/A small, local town called Tierras Volcánicas. The evil landlord Fortressfano De La Vega rides in his coach through the park and sees Teddos Ramirez sitting on a bench. He exits the coach, along with a few of his followers/
Fortressfano: Greetings, senor Teddos. What are you doing in this park all alone?
Teddos: Nothing...
Fortressfano: Were you masturbating?
Teddos: No!
Fortressfano: It's ok if you were, it's nothing to be ashamed of...
Teddos: I wasn't masturbating! If you must know, I'm waiting for someone.
Fortressfano: Really? Who?
Teddos: I don't see how that's any business of yours.
Fortressfano: You're waiting for that renegade Knighto Dougalitto to accept your appology, aren't you?
/intense music/
Fortressfano: Do not be surprised. I know everything. I've heard you were trying to make a peace treaty with him, and even appologise for... bullying him.
Teddos: He didn't spread S.P.A.M!
Fortressfano: Yes, he did... He is an outlaw and a S.P.A.M.-er, and he will burn! And all on his side shall rot into oblivion! Servants, capture this man!
/Teddos lookes at the thugs approaching him and draws out his sword./
Teddos: You will never get me alive, villains!
/However, he's outnumbered and close to defeat. Fortressfano laughs in a way only evil and slightly demented characters can.
But Angelito Moderatorez hops into the scene from seemingly out of nowhere./
Angelito: Any problems here?
Fortressfano: Oh no!
Fortressfano's thugs: It's a Moderatorez! Run for your QPs!
Fortressfano: You won't always have mods to guard you, Teddos! Neither you nor Knighto Dougalitto! This isn't over yet!
/Having said that, Fortressfano gets in his coach and drives away into the mist/
Angelito: Well, I'm glad that's settled. But where is Knighto Dougalitto anyway?
Teddos: I don't know. I was waiting for him.
/Angelito glares into the falling sun/
Angelito: Do not worry... I feel he will return.
/Lady Pandorella enters the scene/
Pandorella: What happened here?
Angelito: Fortressfano De La Vega was making trouble again.
Pandorella: Hm... That one doesn't quit... I will pray to holy virgin Mary that he gives up before we are left no choice but to... silence him.
/Teddos looks at her/
Teddos: You could really do that?
Angelito: We will try to avoid that, but it is an option... You see, we the Moderatorez have certain advantages... One of them being the license to silence.
Pandorella: Come now, let us rejoice. Don't forget, tonight is the party at Pedro Alcibiadez's house... Maybe Knighto Dougalitto will show up there...
Teddos: But they don't like each other.
Angelito: Never mind. There'll be free vodka...
/Next scene, the Grand Ball chamber... Shiny stuff and famous people all over the place...
Pedro Alcibiadez, the famous Peruan artist, known for having frightening amounts of free time, was making a party and everyone was invited. Among the guests were infamous people such as Leopold "Lith" Maethorson, a member of the Moderatorez who decided to start a new life in Chicago and became one of the mob bosses over there, but still kept contacts with the other Moderatorez/
Baklavaldo: Pass me the peanuts please...
/Vokialisso is looking at the maid/
Vokialisso: Hey, Alc, who is that?
Alcibiadez: That's Kookitta Stares, the new maid...
Vokialisso: She's gorgeous...
Count de la Vlaada: That's my boy!
Vokialisso: God damn it dad could you stop listening to my conversations?
Count de la Vlaada: Vokialisso, that's no way to talk to your father!
Pandorella: Well you're not his father, you're his daddy
Count de la Vlaada: Isn't that basically the same?
Alcibiadez: Actually,, so it's pretty different.
L. Maethorson: Hm... You seem pretty sharp... I'm in need of a new accountant, as skilled as possible. The IRS is all over my butt these days...
Alcibiadez: I'll pass, thanks. I have a great artistic career...
/L. Maethorson glances at him coldly/
Teddos: It's time for action...
/Having said that, he takes a bottle of vodka and opens it. Suddenly Knighto Dougalitto comes out of nowhere, runs through the front entrance and jumps towards him/
Knighto Dougalitto: Vodkavodkavodkavodkavodka
Angelito: It worked!
/Knighto Dougalitto takes the bottle and drinks its entire contents/
Teddos: Where have you been, KD?
/Knighto Dougalitto looks at him, or at least tries to, under heavy influence of vodka/
Knighto Dougalitto: I wokred on th nwe evrsion of teh setlemnt...
Angelito: Excuse me?
Teddos: He says he's been working on the new version of the Settlement.
Angelito: So you didn't leave us?
Knighto Dougalitto: Leve yuo? I wil nevre leve heors comonittu... Not utnil teh settelemnt is in te gmae!
Teddos: He says he will never leave heroes community... Not until the settlement is in the game.
Alcibiadez: Oh my God he'll stay here forever...
Knighto Dougalitto: Yu dnot konw nohting aclibiads! setlmenet wil be in the gaem!!!! adn lihces aer wya mroe srtogenst tahn vampyres!!!!!!!
Teddos: I think he says you don't know anything, that settlement will be in the game and that liches are way stronger than vampires...
Vokialisso: No they're not
Knighto Dougalitto: Yes teyh ar!
Vokialisso: No they're not!
Knighto Dougalitto: Yes teyh ar!!
Vokialisso: No they're not!!!
Knighto Dougalitto: Yes te-
L. Maethorson: It doesn't freaking matter! It's not like any of them exists!
Angelito: The most important thing now is that KD is safe from Fortressfano and his followers.
Pandorella: Wait a minute, how do we know Fortressfan isn't hiding among us? He is renowned for his masking skills...
IAmNotFortressFan: That's nonsense.
/Everyone starts looking at IAmNotFortressFan/
IAmNotFortressFan: Hi guys... Uhm... I am just another newbie and...
Angelito: Fortressfano, God damn it dude, what's your problem?
IAmNotFortressFan: So you saw through my clever disguise! Yes, I am indeed... the dreaded Fortressfano!
/intense music again/
Pandorella: Yes. We know.
Fortressfano: But you will never get me!
Pandorella: We don't have to. We can just ask the Presidente to ban you from here.
Fortressfano: You have not seen the last of me!
/Having said that (again) he ran away./
Angelito: Maniac...
Keep watching (well reading anyway) further episodes, to find out what dazzling adventures await KD and what will be Fortressfano's next evil plot, that will change HC forever...
)/A small, local town called Tierras Volcánicas. The evil landlord Fortressfano De La Vega rides in his coach through the park and sees Teddos Ramirez sitting on a bench. He exits the coach, along with a few of his followers/
Fortressfano: Greetings, senor Teddos. What are you doing in this park all alone?
Teddos: Nothing...
Fortressfano: Were you masturbating?
Teddos: No!
Fortressfano: It's ok if you were, it's nothing to be ashamed of...
Teddos: I wasn't masturbating! If you must know, I'm waiting for someone.
Fortressfano: Really? Who?
Teddos: I don't see how that's any business of yours.
Fortressfano: You're waiting for that renegade Knighto Dougalitto to accept your appology, aren't you?
/intense music/
Fortressfano: Do not be surprised. I know everything. I've heard you were trying to make a peace treaty with him, and even appologise for... bullying him.
Teddos: He didn't spread S.P.A.M!
Fortressfano: Yes, he did... He is an outlaw and a S.P.A.M.-er, and he will burn! And all on his side shall rot into oblivion! Servants, capture this man!
/Teddos lookes at the thugs approaching him and draws out his sword./
Teddos: You will never get me alive, villains!
/However, he's outnumbered and close to defeat. Fortressfano laughs in a way only evil and slightly demented characters can.
But Angelito Moderatorez hops into the scene from seemingly out of nowhere./
Angelito: Any problems here?
Fortressfano: Oh no!
Fortressfano's thugs: It's a Moderatorez! Run for your QPs!
Fortressfano: You won't always have mods to guard you, Teddos! Neither you nor Knighto Dougalitto! This isn't over yet!
/Having said that, Fortressfano gets in his coach and drives away into the mist/
Angelito: Well, I'm glad that's settled. But where is Knighto Dougalitto anyway?
Teddos: I don't know. I was waiting for him.
/Angelito glares into the falling sun/
Angelito: Do not worry... I feel he will return.
/Lady Pandorella enters the scene/
Pandorella: What happened here?
Angelito: Fortressfano De La Vega was making trouble again.
Pandorella: Hm... That one doesn't quit... I will pray to holy virgin Mary that he gives up before we are left no choice but to... silence him.
/Teddos looks at her/
Teddos: You could really do that?
Angelito: We will try to avoid that, but it is an option... You see, we the Moderatorez have certain advantages... One of them being the license to silence.
Pandorella: Come now, let us rejoice. Don't forget, tonight is the party at Pedro Alcibiadez's house... Maybe Knighto Dougalitto will show up there...
Teddos: But they don't like each other.
Angelito: Never mind. There'll be free vodka...
/Next scene, the Grand Ball chamber... Shiny stuff and famous people all over the place...
Pedro Alcibiadez, the famous Peruan artist, known for having frightening amounts of free time, was making a party and everyone was invited. Among the guests were infamous people such as Leopold "Lith" Maethorson, a member of the Moderatorez who decided to start a new life in Chicago and became one of the mob bosses over there, but still kept contacts with the other Moderatorez/
Baklavaldo: Pass me the peanuts please...
/Vokialisso is looking at the maid/
Vokialisso: Hey, Alc, who is that?
Alcibiadez: That's Kookitta Stares, the new maid...
Vokialisso: She's gorgeous...
Count de la Vlaada: That's my boy!
Vokialisso: God damn it dad could you stop listening to my conversations?
Count de la Vlaada: Vokialisso, that's no way to talk to your father!
Pandorella: Well you're not his father, you're his daddy
Count de la Vlaada: Isn't that basically the same?
Alcibiadez: Actually,
L. Maethorson: Hm... You seem pretty sharp... I'm in need of a new accountant, as skilled as possible. The IRS is all over my butt these days...
Alcibiadez: I'll pass, thanks. I have a great artistic career...
/L. Maethorson glances at him coldly/
Teddos: It's time for action...
/Having said that, he takes a bottle of vodka and opens it. Suddenly Knighto Dougalitto comes out of nowhere, runs through the front entrance and jumps towards him/
Knighto Dougalitto: Vodkavodkavodkavodkavodka
Angelito: It worked!
/Knighto Dougalitto takes the bottle and drinks its entire contents/
Teddos: Where have you been, KD?
/Knighto Dougalitto looks at him, or at least tries to, under heavy influence of vodka/
Knighto Dougalitto: I wokred on th nwe evrsion of teh setlemnt...
Angelito: Excuse me?
Teddos: He says he's been working on the new version of the Settlement.
Angelito: So you didn't leave us?
Knighto Dougalitto: Leve yuo? I wil nevre leve heors comonittu... Not utnil teh settelemnt is in te gmae!
Teddos: He says he will never leave heroes community... Not until the settlement is in the game.
Alcibiadez: Oh my God he'll stay here forever...
Knighto Dougalitto: Yu dnot konw nohting aclibiads! setlmenet wil be in the gaem!!!! adn lihces aer wya mroe srtogenst tahn vampyres!!!!!!!
Teddos: I think he says you don't know anything, that settlement will be in the game and that liches are way stronger than vampires...
Vokialisso: No they're not
Knighto Dougalitto: Yes teyh ar!
Vokialisso: No they're not!
Knighto Dougalitto: Yes teyh ar!!
Vokialisso: No they're not!!!
Knighto Dougalitto: Yes te-
L. Maethorson: It doesn't freaking matter! It's not like any of them exists!
Angelito: The most important thing now is that KD is safe from Fortressfano and his followers.
Pandorella: Wait a minute, how do we know Fortressfan isn't hiding among us? He is renowned for his masking skills...
IAmNotFortressFan: That's nonsense.
/Everyone starts looking at IAmNotFortressFan/
IAmNotFortressFan: Hi guys... Uhm... I am just another newbie and...
Angelito: Fortressfano, God damn it dude, what's your problem?
IAmNotFortressFan: So you saw through my clever disguise! Yes, I am indeed... the dreaded Fortressfano!
/intense music again/
Pandorella: Yes. We know.
Fortressfano: But you will never get me!
Pandorella: We don't have to. We can just ask the Presidente to ban you from here.
Fortressfano: You have not seen the last of me!
/Having said that (again) he ran away./
Angelito: Maniac...
Keep watching (well reading anyway) further episodes, to find out what dazzling adventures await KD and what will be Fortressfano's next evil plot, that will change HC forever...
Introduction (episodes #1-96)
Knighto Dougalitto suddenly changes behavior and no one knows why (possibly because of some still unrevealed relationship with someone). A group of village people led by the evil coffee-plantage owner Fortressfano De La Vega (and his twin brother who thinks exactly like him, Archmagitto Faiz) start attacking Dougalitto and trying to stone him because they think he brought a disease called SPAM (Serious Plant Anti Matter) from his journeys around, but brave Pandorella and Angelito, from the powerful Moderatorez family (related to the presidente himself, Huan Valeriyo Gomes), stand to defend him and start preventing the mob from harming Dougalitto... Suddenly, a banana-plantage owner Teddos Ramirez, who was with Fortressfano De La Vega all the time (but secretly), begins to feel sorry for what he tried to do and appologises to Dougalitto. However, Dougalitto is currently misteriously missing (possibly a cunning ploy of Fortressfano) but as soon as he gets here he will agree to Teddos's offer of peace.
In the meantime, it turned out that Fortressfano, a master of disguise as he is, didn't have a brother (or if he had he's not around). Anguished by the discovery of his Archmagitto alter-ego, he disguises again as a peasant who is against Knighto Dougallito. Even this disguise, however, is seen through by the Moderatorez and Fortressfano's plan goes awry again.
It also turned out that the landowner De La Vlaada is the father of Vokialisso Batista Gomez, and that brave Pandorella is his aunt, which implicates that count De La Vlaada is in family ties with the Moderatorez. Baklavaldo, the only Brazilian that listens to heavy metal (besides of course Pele), also makes his move and starts his search for peanuts in order to commit a Peanutcaust, meaning destroy as many peanuts as possible.
Where is Knighto Dougalitto? Who might be the person he's secretly in love with? Is that person real or virtual? What plan will Fortessfano come up with next? How will Serious Plant Anti Matter be stopped from destroying the plantages? Who's whose daddy? Stay tuned...
In the meantime, it turned out that Fortressfano, a master of disguise as he is, didn't have a brother (or if he had he's not around). Anguished by the discovery of his Archmagitto alter-ego, he disguises again as a peasant who is against Knighto Dougallito. Even this disguise, however, is seen through by the Moderatorez and Fortressfano's plan goes awry again.
It also turned out that the landowner De La Vlaada is the father of Vokialisso Batista Gomez, and that brave Pandorella is his aunt, which implicates that count De La Vlaada is in family ties with the Moderatorez. Baklavaldo, the only Brazilian that listens to heavy metal (besides of course Pele), also makes his move and starts his search for peanuts in order to commit a Peanutcaust, meaning destroy as many peanuts as possible.
Where is Knighto Dougalitto? Who might be the person he's secretly in love with? Is that person real or virtual? What plan will Fortessfano come up with next? How will Serious Plant Anti Matter be stopped from destroying the plantages? Who's whose daddy? Stay tuned...
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